Today's Funny

Subject: 6th grade history test answers

Insight into the minds of 6th graders: The following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

8. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

Another funny for today.

Submitted by Skibum
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Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfield, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quale were all born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.

WHY MEN DO NOT WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Submitted by LB on capitol hill
-------------------------------

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. When I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Lusk


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

Woman Gets 8 Months in Hate Note Case - New York Times

Thanks to LN for bringing this and the previous article to my attention
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Apparently, this woman did not get the right information or all the information when it came to understanding what a Christian is. Did she really need a new commandment from His Holiness, the Pope, to tell her that writing notes threatening her boss' and her boss' family's lives falls outside of the teachings.

This only serves to further illustrate that a lot is buried, but never far from the surface. Just very sad indeed.


Woman Gets 8 Months in Hate Note Case - New York Times

Today's Funny

Submitted by Redsometimes
-------------------------

A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl.

"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffffff, Fffffff, Fffffff, Fffffff'...And before he could say "Fuck", the rottweiler ate him!"

W.Va. Woman Speaks About Torture Ordeal | World Latest | Guardian Unlimited

This is an update to the story and contains only glimpses into what this poor young woman had to endure. Imagine what the FULL extent of her experience is. Why do we continue to do this?


W.Va. Woman Speaks About Torture Ordeal | World Latest | Guardian Unlimited

Video - Breaking News Videos from CNN.com

The more optimistic we try to be about the state of the world, the more these incidents server to prove we have a LONG way to go. I cannot even list the atrocities visited upon this woman as it serves to anger and it simply is unreal to think that people like this still exist. The thing about hate is that we are not born with it; it has to be passed down, taught, to the next generation. What makes this crime the most despicable is that it is not just whites against blacks, or male against female, or even female against female; we have mothers and children ganging up together to sexually abuse and torture another human being!!!

And the authorities have the audacity to question whether or not to label this a hate crime? Excuse me, dumbasses, if this does not describe hate, exactly what does?

Peace... please.

Video - Breaking News Videos from CNN.com

BrassJack - Dance Pole Kits - Category Details

Before you go speculating, understand that I go here simply from clicking on a Google Ad link in my Gmail. You would not believe the things that pop up in there sometimes. :)

Enjoy.


BrassJack - Dance Pole Kits - Category Details

There really is no 'D' in the "Toronto Maple Leafs".

I have not seen gameplay this sad since the Ballard years. BALLARD people?!?! What the hell is going on in Bud-land? OK, I jumped on the "McCabe sucks" bandwagon long before that boneheaded gaff during overtime against Buffalo last night (he put the puck into hsi own net during a backhanded clearing attempt). I do understand that he is not the only person responsible for our sad sack record but that he is also not the worst player in our defensive corps. Dave, do you want to list those in order please?

Seriously, they should be better than this; they ARE better than this. We true Leaf fans are at fault, we are constantly told, because we blindly continue to support the team no matter what state they are in. The problem with that thinking is that you would think that is what proves we really ARE true fans. Would you say that to all the fans that show up for Buffalo Bills, Miami Dolphins and Detroit Lions games? Ok, maybe on Detroit because, seriously, DAMN!

Anyhow, I am lucky enough (thanks BP) to be going to two more games this year, including the last game of the year against those pissant Ottawa Senators. I have already attended two pre-season games and went to another regular season game (against Carolina where we were shellacked 7-1) with Mossy. I hope to find a way into a few more as well. In the meantime, I must gear up to spin commentary on the Toronto Raptors as their season starts on Sunday. I also hope Boston makes it to the World Series again. Sorry Cleveland but I prefer you like the guys in Major League. :)

Ciao.

Today's funny

From BT of MTL. It's missing the cartoons but it is still funny.


IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter....
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

IT Tidbits: CANOE -- CNEWS: ews - Woman sues over Apple's iPhone price cut

Well, in sue-happy USA, you knew it was only a matter of time. I understand the frustration and the anger felt by the consumers BUT that is what you get for being an early adopter of new technology. No one knows when the materials or the market will allow or will force the decrease in pricing. Does anyone think that Sony WANTED to reduce the price on their PS3 as quickly as they had to? Absolutely not but they were getting killed by their rivals' machines in the Xbox 360 and the Wii, so they had not choice.

I believe that Apple was ambitious/greedy to set the phone price as high as they did and was doomed to cut the price in short order. While the initial rush to get one by those who had to show off to their friends and colleagues cleared the first wave, reality had to set in that they could not sustain and continue to sell it at that premium price.

Let's face it, the only things that the iPhone brings to the table that you cannot find anywhere else is the iTouch screen, a marvel of technology, and video voice mail (not the hardware but the carrier's service offering). Everything else can be found on a variety of other systems in one form or another. Web browser? They have them. MP3 player? They have them. Camera? They have them (and theirs do video). PDA functions? They have them. Subsidies? They have them, the iPhone does not. And there lies the heart of Apple's problems.

I may not have that fancy 3.5" screen and that wonderful interface but I can get a phone and a plan to match their offering with only a 50 dollar outlay on the phone; sometimes less, sometimes more. However, none of the phones except for certain niche units rival the pricing of the iPhone and that is why the price had to be chopped to lure those who would not cough up $600 for a cell phone.

I love the iPhone and I hope the second generation will fill in all the missing items that people complain need to be there (i.e. 3rd party development, choice of carrier, 3G,etc.). I will continue to wait until I cannot live without one or that I no longer have a crackberry tied to my hip for work. I hope Apple wakes up from this experience and realizes that they cannot continue to treat its customers like money trees. We do have other options and we are not afraid to exercise them when pushed.

Stop pushing, Steve. We don't like it.


CANOE -- CNEWS: ews - Woman sues over Apple's iPhone price cut

Mandatory driving tests for the elderly.

This topic came up years ago and the politicians decided to let the issue die on the table. I think they need to reconsider this. Let me present you some examples.

1. I am heading into my neighbourhood, on the way back home. On the main street in from Hwy#2 is a roundabout; essentially, this is a four way stop without the red octagons and the stopping. The concept is really not complicated as long as you know, AND FOLLOW, the normal rules of the road that gives first right of way to the vehicle on the left. My recent experience had an elderly couple, at least over sixty, driving into the roundabout going left. A roundabout only goes in one direction and at all four corners a very clear ONE-WAY sign is planted in full view. Yet here I was, nose to nose with a vehicle the Roo would easily have cut through like a hot knife in butter if I was going faster (which I usually do), if I had not seen them in time and/or if the conditions were not dry. All I got from the driver was her smiling face and a wave. I mounted the curb with my truck and drove around them thinking they would take the time to back up on their side and continue properly. NOPE. She instead continues towards the side I just came out of while two more vehicles approached them from the right. I did not stick around to see what happened but I did not hear a large crash behind me so I continued on.

2. Just before the roundabout there is a left turn lane that leads into Ajax Down's Slots (casino). On a daily basis we are swerving out to the right lane because these a-wipes cannot enter the clearly marked lane and turn from it but must instead insist on straddling the line to the left lane and make a wide seeping turn. Again, conditions have meant no big issue but one day there is going to be a big, bad accident in that corridor. If I am unfortunate enough to be in one, based on the typical vehicle performing these asinine maneuvers, I will not be the one hurt in the process. I don't want to see this happen to anyone, especially TR.

3. The standard process to enter a moving highway is to accelerate one's vehicle up to the current speed of flowing traffic. Routinely, we are stuck behind someone who seems like they cannot fathom this concept and rolls up the ramp at the same speed they trudged through the city at. They do not have to speed but they do need to press the little pedal on the right with a touch more verve. And before you come to the defense of the elderly understand that I have many mature people around me and only one of them exhibits this behaviour. Quite frankly, that person should start to think about driving less as well.

There are many more examples of this issue and I am not saying all elderly drivers need to be taken off the road. I am saying that as we get older, we get slower and our reflexes are not as sharp. There is nothing wrong with asking that the ability to continue operating a two tonne machine be retested periodically. Hell, I welcome the entire population to have to be retested periodically because some people in all age groups had no right getting (or buying) their license and being allowed on the road with the rest of us. Every five years, and after any questionable incident/accident on the road, each license holder should be retested for road competence.

I think the roads will be that much safer if this happened. In my humble opinion.

Peace.

We were extras!

DW and I had the privilege (leave it alone) of attending the Toronto Maple Leafs pre-season game on Friday at the ACC. It was one of the more spirited games we have seen in a while as the Leafs and the Detroit Red Wings battled back and forth until a Toronto 5-4 victory. The game was okay (where is our f**king defense?!?!?) but the treats came during the intermissions and after the game.

Mike Myers has a new movie called "The Love Guru" filming in Toronto and it takes place during this current season with the Leafs playing for Lord Stanley's Cup at the end of the 2007-2008 season. So, smartly recruiting rabid Leafs fans for free to hoot and holler on cue, they filmed some key sequences on the ice as the first black player on the Leafs went in on a breakaway only to be tripped up by the defense just before taking the shot. This results in a penalty shot and he... well, go see the movie to see the details.

We were up in the stands during the intermission sequences but about 100 of us stuck around after the game to shoot the closer end rink shots with the banging on the glass and tight shots as the plays unfolded. besides the thrill of possibly being able to point oneself out amongst the crowd when the movie finally releases, it was an entertaining exercise in the process of movie making and while it is not rocket science, there is a new appreciation for what these artists have to do for their craft. Repetition is simply not fun in all aspects of life.

So, when the movie comes out, look for the lone black guy in a Doug Gilmour 93 jersey to the upper right of the goalie in the penalty shot scene. You may just see me. Or maybe just my outstretched hands. Who knows with these movie types. :)

So, after all that excitement, we were even hungrier for dinner, as we refused to pay the ridiculous prices for a real meal at the ACC; we only snacked on something to quiet the stomach rumblings. Instead, we made our way over to Spadina and settled in to our of our favourite haunts in all of the GTA, X'Am Yu. This restaurant, situated on the east corner two blocks north of Dundas, just does things the way we like it. Like most places of this type, one of their popular dishes is a two lobster dish done in a variety of sauces and cut up for easy consumption. I am not too keen on working to extract my protein so I stuck to the easier areas where the lobster meat was begging to be stripped off. DW will pretty much tear through adamantium to extract the tasty meat. Neither of us, however, will go anywhere near the green stuff found in the cranial cavity of this crustacean; we simply cannot stomach the idea.

We rounded out the appetizer of the lobster with some Singapore noodles (nicely spiced), and a plate of sweet and sour boneless pork (not the way we like it, so not again). Believe it or not, that was way more than enough food as we were totally stuff and satisfied at the end. Obviously, with the cost of it all, this could not be a regular outing (besides being super fattening) but as an occasional treat, it puts a HUGE smile on our faces when we can get there. We have introduced others to this place as well and they too are now hooked. If you get the chance, check them out. If you plan ahead enough, make sure to invite us along. :)

Ciao.