Zack: Mom, can I have a car for graduation?
Mom: Only if you get a haircut.
Zack: But didn’t Samson, Moses, and Jesus have long hair?
Mom: Yes, and they walked everywhere they went.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 09, 2009
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
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Jewish Divorce
A Jewish woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Norm! All he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel.'
Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi- millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?'
------------------------
Jewish Divorce
A Jewish woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Norm! All he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel.'
Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi- millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?'
Friday, February 06, 2009
Today's Funny
Monty got his paycheck on Friday but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with his friends. When he finally ran out of money Sunday night, he returned home. He was confronted by his furious wife, who lectured him for hours about his lack of consideration. Finally she said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he blurted out, “That would be just fine with me!” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he still didn’t see her. Finally on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Today's Funny (and Truth)
Submitted by Penny, edited by Dtrini.
----------------------------------
Robert Whiting, an elderly Canadian gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
'You have been to France before, monsieur?', the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.', the customs officer continued.
The Canadian said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
The officer responded, indignantly, 'Impossible. Canadians always have to show passports on arrival in France!'
The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, 'Well, when I came ashore on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
----------------------------------
Robert Whiting, an elderly Canadian gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
'You have been to France before, monsieur?', the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.', the customs officer continued.
The Canadian said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
The officer responded, indignantly, 'Impossible. Canadians always have to show passports on arrival in France!'
The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, 'Well, when I came ashore on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Keep the jobs in Canada, sign the petition.
Way to go Harper; so glad you are working FOR the Canadian people.
Wear red on fridays, support the troops, support canadian troops, yellow ribbon, red shirts
Wear red on fridays, support the troops, support canadian troops, yellow ribbon, red shirts
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
It's not a loss of faith, just bad business.
I won't waste my time or yours going over what I think about televangelists and their ilk. I won't wax on for long periods about the thieves I think they are and the stupidity of their sheep, sorry, flock.
A woman in the article is quoted as saying that she will find somewhere else to send her $25 monthly donation as she feels lost. Lady you are lost if you think giving a group money to upkeep a large glass building and many overpaid jobs rather than to starving children all over the world and even in your own backyard. Twenty-five dollars a month could be the start of change for someone down on their luck. But no, continue sending it to those who don't need it and obviously are too shallow to care. That's what God wants you to do in this life.
Give me a break.
Ciao.
Family spat divides televangelism empire - Faith- msnbc.com
A woman in the article is quoted as saying that she will find somewhere else to send her $25 monthly donation as she feels lost. Lady you are lost if you think giving a group money to upkeep a large glass building and many overpaid jobs rather than to starving children all over the world and even in your own backyard. Twenty-five dollars a month could be the start of change for someone down on their luck. But no, continue sending it to those who don't need it and obviously are too shallow to care. That's what God wants you to do in this life.
Give me a break.
Ciao.
Family spat divides televangelism empire - Faith- msnbc.com
Riiiiiight! There's no racial bias in America.
A few years ago, Janet Jackson experienced her infamous "wardrobe malfunction" when Justin Timberlake pulled off more than he was supposed to and exposed her breast; for maybe a couple of seconds. That not so little, pierced, BLACK nipple spawned a ban, a hearing, a massive fine, moral outrage, a 7-second broadcast delay, new TV rules and more.
Yet, TWICE now during a Superbowl broadcast (the other was to New Jersey viewers I believe), a WHITE penis has showed up on the screen for more than a couple of seconds and you don't see the FCC fining Comcast or Comcast being banned from showing the Superbowl, on Congress calling Comcast to a hearing or any of the other foolishness that Janet and Justin were subjected to.
Where's the misplaced moral outage against this? We are talking full on PORN and there is no backlash? TWICE. Yep, no racial bias there folks.
Ciao.
Comcast 'mortified' about porn interruption - Super Bowl XLIII- nbcsports.msnbc.com
Yet, TWICE now during a Superbowl broadcast (the other was to New Jersey viewers I believe), a WHITE penis has showed up on the screen for more than a couple of seconds and you don't see the FCC fining Comcast or Comcast being banned from showing the Superbowl, on Congress calling Comcast to a hearing or any of the other foolishness that Janet and Justin were subjected to.
Where's the misplaced moral outage against this? We are talking full on PORN and there is no backlash? TWICE. Yep, no racial bias there folks.
Ciao.
Comcast 'mortified' about porn interruption - Super Bowl XLIII- nbcsports.msnbc.com
Monday, February 02, 2009
Today's Funny - Part Deux
Submitted by BT
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A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."
---------------
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."
Oh, what a game!
As usually happens at this time of year, DW and I host our annual Superbowl get together. Friends and family are invited to not only watch the game, but to come and socialize and hang out (as, remarkably, not everyone enjoys the NFL). This year, DW outdid herself with her usual contribution, a 7-layer dip. Not sure exatly what was different but it was absolutely perfect and AL and I nearly ate off the entire thing ourselves. Her chili was also up to snuff but I did not add to the naturally heat this year. That would be because the 7-layer had a bit of a kick but mainly because I had a heap of my favourite import, Redsometimes' husband's Double-Burn dip. It was extra cheesy and extra burny this year and, well, let's just say the three produce a perfect storm this morning and leave it at that. :)
I picked the Steelers this year (though I am a long suffering Buffalo Bills fan) and thankfully, literally, they pulled it out in the end. I'm lucky to know that though because believe it or not, I fell asleep after Arizona scored their late 4th quarter touchdown to take the lead. Our guests were leaving so they woke me up and I see ribbons falling on the Steelers jerseys.
FRACK!
But wait, there's more. Thankfully, (ugh! I loathe to say this) we have a Rogers PVR that we were watching on so I was able to rewind back to the Fitzgerald TD and play from there so I did see the whole thing unfold. I would not say it was the greatest game ever but it definitely deserves a top ten placement. Minus some of the stupidest penalty taking EVER, this game had some major highlights: Fitzgerald's go-ahead TD, Arizona coming back from 13 points down, Steelers blowing a 13 point lead in the fourth quarter, a 100-yard, longest ever, interception return for a touchdown, not one but two successful replay challenges, a first appearance by The Boss, the return of Jennifer Hudson to sing the anthem and just a whole lot of heart, grit and sweat spent on the field.
I'd like to thank our guests, Redsomtimes and date, AL and the lovely K, MR and NR, and Wynterluv and the great Peruvian, and the Skibum for coming out and joining us. We're sorry the DoubleD and his DW could not make it out, PS and MS are too CFL loyal (oh yeah, I said it beetaches), Bajan Boy's eye was bothering him (and stones were with his DW) but especially Famine and Devoid as she is recovering from a car accident this past week. Get Well Soon! Oh yeah, almost forgot my cousin, Weeb; still waiting to hear YOUR story for yesterday. :-P
Alrighty, that is it for this subject, on to more items in a few.
Ciao.
I picked the Steelers this year (though I am a long suffering Buffalo Bills fan) and thankfully, literally, they pulled it out in the end. I'm lucky to know that though because believe it or not, I fell asleep after Arizona scored their late 4th quarter touchdown to take the lead. Our guests were leaving so they woke me up and I see ribbons falling on the Steelers jerseys.
FRACK!
But wait, there's more. Thankfully, (ugh! I loathe to say this) we have a Rogers PVR that we were watching on so I was able to rewind back to the Fitzgerald TD and play from there so I did see the whole thing unfold. I would not say it was the greatest game ever but it definitely deserves a top ten placement. Minus some of the stupidest penalty taking EVER, this game had some major highlights: Fitzgerald's go-ahead TD, Arizona coming back from 13 points down, Steelers blowing a 13 point lead in the fourth quarter, a 100-yard, longest ever, interception return for a touchdown, not one but two successful replay challenges, a first appearance by The Boss, the return of Jennifer Hudson to sing the anthem and just a whole lot of heart, grit and sweat spent on the field.
I'd like to thank our guests, Redsomtimes and date, AL and the lovely K, MR and NR, and Wynterluv and the great Peruvian, and the Skibum for coming out and joining us. We're sorry the DoubleD and his DW could not make it out, PS and MS are too CFL loyal (oh yeah, I said it beetaches), Bajan Boy's eye was bothering him (and stones were with his DW) but especially Famine and Devoid as she is recovering from a car accident this past week. Get Well Soon! Oh yeah, almost forgot my cousin, Weeb; still waiting to hear YOUR story for yesterday. :-P
Alrighty, that is it for this subject, on to more items in a few.
Ciao.
Today's Funny
Herb: I hate to brag, but Little Billy was a musical prodigy.
Monty: How so?
Herb: At five, he wrote an opera; at six, he wrote a symphony; and at seven, he wrote a duet for piano and violin.
Monty: Wow! What happened at eight?
Herb: At eight, breakfast was on the table and it was time to get ready for school.
Monty: How so?
Herb: At five, he wrote an opera; at six, he wrote a symphony; and at seven, he wrote a duet for piano and violin.
Monty: Wow! What happened at eight?
Herb: At eight, breakfast was on the table and it was time to get ready for school.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
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