Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
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HOW THE FIGHT STARTED ! ! !



My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."



And then the fight started....



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My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"while we were in bed.

I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"



"No," she answered.



I then asked, "Is that your final answer?"



She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."



So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."



And then the fight started....



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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing at 40 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,

and learned that the weather would be bad all day.



I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,

"The weather out there is terrible."



My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"



And that's how the fight started....



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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said,

"I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."



I bought her a bathroom scale.



And then the fight started....



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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion,

and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"



"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,

and I hear she hasn't been sober since."



"My God!" says my wife,

"who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"



And then the fight started....

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first.

"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."



He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"



"Nah, she can order for herself."



And then the fight started....

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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replied,

"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL.
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WELFARE

A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.Because of the long hours, meals will be provided, and you'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."

"This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job ssignment satisfying her ...'urges' as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, stammers, "You're bullshittin' me!".

The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."