Submitted by BT from MTL. Yes, I am going to hell.
-------------------------
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
-------------
May happiness smile on your world and in your heart...
Monday, December 14, 2009
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Today's Funny
I know, it's been a while but it's been some trying times. Anyhow, here is a joke from BT from MTL. Enjoy.
--------------------------------------
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re Sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this Really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
Bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
1. A salt shaker,
2. A shot of Baileys,
3. A shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue.
Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth.
And finally you drink the lime juice.'
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth..........smooth, Rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits
2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles
3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like Consistency hits
4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus what do you call that drink?'
She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'
--------------------------------------
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re Sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this Really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
Bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
1. A salt shaker,
2. A shot of Baileys,
3. A shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue.
Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth.
And finally you drink the lime juice.'
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth..........smooth, Rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits
2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles
3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like Consistency hits
4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus what do you call that drink?'
She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Today's Funny (Note: I want to try this in Walmart)
Submitted by Skibum
-------------------
Husband Banned from Target
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
-------------------
Husband Banned from Target
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
This may yet JUST begin to address my space issues. :-)
Definitely less expensive than a full-fledged setup the likes of Dell or EMC but still not "cheap" for the home enthusiast as myself. Seriously though, I have either serious issues or truly rose to a new level if I need to start setting up things like this. That said, would be damn fun trying it out.
Petabytes on a budget: How to build cheap cloud storage | Backblaze Blog
Petabytes on a budget: How to build cheap cloud storage | Backblaze Blog
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Brush up on your High Holidays!
As well as many other things.
I may not be Jewish but being married to a person that is means to at least have some understanding and participation in the things and times that are important to her. Truth be told, there are times I am the better Jew, lol. Anyhow, it is important to my DW so that makes it important to me. Important days are coming up in the Jewish Calendar including the New Year and Day of Atonement. This site provides plain language explanations for all of it.
Enjoy.
Jewish New Year: High Holidays 2009, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and Simchat Torah
I may not be Jewish but being married to a person that is means to at least have some understanding and participation in the things and times that are important to her. Truth be told, there are times I am the better Jew, lol. Anyhow, it is important to my DW so that makes it important to me. Important days are coming up in the Jewish Calendar including the New Year and Day of Atonement. This site provides plain language explanations for all of it.
Enjoy.
Jewish New Year: High Holidays 2009, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and Simchat Torah
Monday, August 31, 2009
When you just HAVE to have it!
Thanks to JN for posting this on FB. I think the point I want to make is that this guy was playing a harmless game, in a harmless location, harmlessly. He was stupid if he was talking to other players on the microphone in the middle of the library. Other than that though, would you rather him hassling you for money on a street corner or worse yet, robbing you or carjacking you?
Get a grip people.
Guy Busted for Stealing WiFi at NYC Library — to Play Halo - Halo - Kotaku
Get a grip people.
Guy Busted for Stealing WiFi at NYC Library — to Play Halo - Halo - Kotaku
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Look who bought a clue!
They said "No". Sony said that they would NOT lower the price on their gaming console to match Nintendo's Wii and Microsoft's Xbox 360 pricing. They said they would NOT make adjustments to a system that was grossly overpriced when it debuted and stayed that way as the competitors kicked its ass up and down the gaming charts. The built-in Blu-ray player made no difference to this status. People continually chose the other two systems or a standalone system or even the older (much cheaper) PS2 systems over Sony's flagship unit. This was pointed out to them many times over but they have stubbornly refused to budge. Over principle or over something else? Who knows? Who really cares?
As a consumer, I chose the systems that gave me the best bang for the buck and and the best overall experience (you know what I mean, right?). I would have bought an original 20Gb or 60GB model to get the backward-compatible Emotion engine so I could ditch our PS2 but I was not paying the ridiculous amount of money to get one when the system was released (and they are very hard to find used at a reasonable price, natch). Sony lowered the price on their system but removed the Emotion engine; too little too late.
So will the PS3 Slim finally be the unit that puts Sony in the same playing field as the Wii and the 360? I doubt it. they are still being stupid about things by no lowering the price of the 80GB and 160GB units currently on sale as they clear them out of inventory. That's both stubborn and stupid. Their reasoning? People will buy the old ones out of nostalgia or because they prefer the shape. Are you freaking kidding me?
I want a PS3 because I am a bonified geek but I do not NEED a PS3 so I, along with millions of others, can wait until Sony has a fire sale unless they get real with their pricing. Very soon.
Sony officially announces $299 PS3 Slim | Crave - CNET
As a consumer, I chose the systems that gave me the best bang for the buck and and the best overall experience (you know what I mean, right?). I would have bought an original 20Gb or 60GB model to get the backward-compatible Emotion engine so I could ditch our PS2 but I was not paying the ridiculous amount of money to get one when the system was released (and they are very hard to find used at a reasonable price, natch). Sony lowered the price on their system but removed the Emotion engine; too little too late.
So will the PS3 Slim finally be the unit that puts Sony in the same playing field as the Wii and the 360? I doubt it. they are still being stupid about things by no lowering the price of the 80GB and 160GB units currently on sale as they clear them out of inventory. That's both stubborn and stupid. Their reasoning? People will buy the old ones out of nostalgia or because they prefer the shape. Are you freaking kidding me?
I want a PS3 because I am a bonified geek but I do not NEED a PS3 so I, along with millions of others, can wait until Sony has a fire sale unless they get real with their pricing. Very soon.
Sony officially announces $299 PS3 Slim | Crave - CNET
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
What's good for the goose is apparently not good for the gander.
Microsoft defends its intellectually properties with a bevy of lawyers; by rights it should. That has led to either acquisitions by Microsoft of an offending company or partnerships (i.e. Novell) with companies that infringed on those rights.
Well, now they are trying to brush off a lawsuit AGAINST them for the exact same practice. They can appeal all they want but someone over there better start selling some stocks to pay for the bill of $294 million and counting.
BBC NEWS | Technology | Judge bans Microsoft Word sales
Well, now they are trying to brush off a lawsuit AGAINST them for the exact same practice. They can appeal all they want but someone over there better start selling some stocks to pay for the bill of $294 million and counting.
BBC NEWS | Technology | Judge bans Microsoft Word sales
Friday, August 07, 2009
The Scene Kano- I'm Ready
Looked this up because we were discussing what song TagTeam's "Whoomp, There It Is" samples for its backbeat. Amazing what hair, clothes and dancing endure today. Also amazing what things, thankfully, did not survive. Holy crap.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
Newfie Millionaire
------------------
Mick appeared on the Newfoundland version of 'Who wants To Be A
Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000.
'You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, but, for
1 Million dollars, you've only one lifeline left, phone-a-friend. Everything is
riding on this question. Will you go for it?'
'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'
'OK. The question is, which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest ?
a)Robin ( b)Sparrow (c)Cuckoo (d)Thrush.
'I hasn't got a clue,' said Mick. 'So I'll use me last lifeline and phone, my friend Paddy
back home in Come-Bye-Chance.' Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances,
and repeated the question to him.
'Fawkin Eh, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's just simple logic....it's a Cuckoo.'
'Are you sure, Paddy?' asked Mick.
'I'm fawkin sure' replied Paddy.
Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, 'I'll go with cuckoo, as me answer.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked the host.
'Dat it is Sir.'
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won $1,000,000.00!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 'Tell me, Paddy?
How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?
I mean, you knows fawk-all about birds.'
'Fer fawks sake!' laughed Paddy. 'Lord tunderin Jaezuz, everybody knows a fawking cuckoo lives in a clock!'
Newfie Millionaire
------------------
Mick appeared on the Newfoundland version of 'Who wants To Be A
Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000.
'You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, but, for
1 Million dollars, you've only one lifeline left, phone-a-friend. Everything is
riding on this question. Will you go for it?'
'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'
'OK. The question is, which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest ?
a)Robin ( b)Sparrow (c)Cuckoo (d)Thrush.
'I hasn't got a clue,' said Mick. 'So I'll use me last lifeline and phone, my friend Paddy
back home in Come-Bye-Chance.' Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances,
and repeated the question to him.
'Fawkin Eh, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's just simple logic....it's a Cuckoo.'
'Are you sure, Paddy?' asked Mick.
'I'm fawkin sure' replied Paddy.
Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, 'I'll go with cuckoo, as me answer.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked the host.
'Dat it is Sir.'
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won $1,000,000.00!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 'Tell me, Paddy?
How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?
I mean, you knows fawk-all about birds.'
'Fer fawks sake!' laughed Paddy. 'Lord tunderin Jaezuz, everybody knows a fawking cuckoo lives in a clock!'
Friday, July 17, 2009
Today's Funny
Submitted by Weeb
-----------------
An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and talks with the old ranch owner. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....on any land. No questions asked. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs....'Your badge! Show him your fucking badge!"
-----------------
An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and talks with the old ranch owner. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....on any land. No questions asked. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs....'Your badge! Show him your fucking badge!"
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Today's Funny
Submitted by DW
---------------
Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness!
And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant?
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.
Can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but she still won't go up to your apartment.
Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies ... but I don't recommend the cookies!
While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What's that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.
---------------
Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness!
And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant?
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.
Can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but she still won't go up to your apartment.
Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies ... but I don't recommend the cookies!
While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What's that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.
Monday, July 13, 2009
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