Submitted by The Finn.
----------------------
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer .
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sony has finally lost their Vulcan mind!
Sony Zaps PlayStation 3 'Install Other OS' Feature - PCWorld
One commenter on their blog or somewhere said it the best... How the hell do you justify removing a feature that is written ON the box that you sold people??!?! I hope Sony has set aside a nice fund and their international lawyers time and resources because this is going to be a legal battle royale. I will be utterly shocked if several class action suits are not brought against Sony to prevent this foolishness from happening. They will stupidly underestimate that only the uber geeks will care about this feature. What they fail to realize is that everyone with a phat PS3 will be pissed off that they can take away paid for features on a whim without asking.
Imagine other companies doing this to you. You buy that shiny new hybrid from Ford or Toyota and the next morning, the lithium batteries are missing. You buy that house with the ocean-view and wake up to facing a mountainside. You buy a mixed drink and the "mix" is absent. You get the picture. I could go on and on but the simple fact is that you would not tolerate any of those scenarios so none of us should tolerate this from Sony. They are the masters at screwing with their customers (remember the rootkit CD fiasco?) and they are the masters are trying to push proprietary crap upon the public against established standards (take your pick: Betamax, Mini-Disc, Memory Stick, etc.).
I truly hope smarter heads prevail but the history of the Sony Corporation is that they will dig their heals in like petulant children to try and get their way. What they will end of doing is seeing a mass sale of the old PS3s, a sharp reduction in sales of the new PS3s, a general boycott of all things Sony and a MOUNTAIN to climb to get back to respectability (if that is even still possible). Sony, you make some really, REALLY nice (and overpriced) products. Don't f**k your customers and in turn f**k yourselves by doing something this stupid.
Just. DON'T. Do. It.
Peace.
One commenter on their blog or somewhere said it the best... How the hell do you justify removing a feature that is written ON the box that you sold people??!?! I hope Sony has set aside a nice fund and their international lawyers time and resources because this is going to be a legal battle royale. I will be utterly shocked if several class action suits are not brought against Sony to prevent this foolishness from happening. They will stupidly underestimate that only the uber geeks will care about this feature. What they fail to realize is that everyone with a phat PS3 will be pissed off that they can take away paid for features on a whim without asking.
Imagine other companies doing this to you. You buy that shiny new hybrid from Ford or Toyota and the next morning, the lithium batteries are missing. You buy that house with the ocean-view and wake up to facing a mountainside. You buy a mixed drink and the "mix" is absent. You get the picture. I could go on and on but the simple fact is that you would not tolerate any of those scenarios so none of us should tolerate this from Sony. They are the masters at screwing with their customers (remember the rootkit CD fiasco?) and they are the masters are trying to push proprietary crap upon the public against established standards (take your pick: Betamax, Mini-Disc, Memory Stick, etc.).
I truly hope smarter heads prevail but the history of the Sony Corporation is that they will dig their heals in like petulant children to try and get their way. What they will end of doing is seeing a mass sale of the old PS3s, a sharp reduction in sales of the new PS3s, a general boycott of all things Sony and a MOUNTAIN to climb to get back to respectability (if that is even still possible). Sony, you make some really, REALLY nice (and overpriced) products. Don't f**k your customers and in turn f**k yourselves by doing something this stupid.
Just. DON'T. Do. It.
Peace.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Today's Funny
Sent in by Skibum from Whitby
-----------------------------
Subject: Life explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes
in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll
give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years....
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me
my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
-----------------------------
Subject: Life explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes
in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll
give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years....
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me
my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by LB from OTT.
-------------------------
Morris
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the Husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... Just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
Tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... You don't!'
-------------------------
Morris
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the Husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... Just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
Tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... You don't!'
Monday, March 15, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
TALKING CLOCK
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off
his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way
to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!
------------------------
TALKING CLOCK
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off
his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way
to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Today's Funnies
Submitted by BT from MTL.
-------------------------
LADY'S YEARLY EXAM
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I
was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.
---------------------------------
Why Women Lie
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.'
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
-------------------------
LADY'S YEARLY EXAM
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I
was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.
---------------------------------
Why Women Lie
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.'
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
iPad Killer? Close but no cigar.
JooJoo
The screen is bigger, it has a webcam and microphone, the connections are more, the idea is sound... but the execution falls short. To have a Net-based OS (i.e. cloud computing) when that vision has failed miserably simply because one can not get access everywhere is a mistake. To not have built-in applications when your competitor has a fully functional operating system with free apps is short-sighted. To not have a reasonable base of applications ready for the release date and no applications purchase avenue (i.e. App Store) is suicidal. I will not be buying an Apple iPad because it lacks many items I want in a tablet (webcam, microphone, infra-red, SDHC slot, mini-HDMI, etc.). However, if I wanted or needed such a device, I would buy the Apple one well before I bought the JooJoo simply because I can do more out of the box with the Apple unit the moment i turn it on and, I don't need Internet access in order to start doing anything. Sorry JooJoo, you have a good foundation but you need to get up to snuff and quick or you will be regulated to a footnote as yet another challenger to the Apple throne that failed to dislodge them from their mighty perch.
Peace
The screen is bigger, it has a webcam and microphone, the connections are more, the idea is sound... but the execution falls short. To have a Net-based OS (i.e. cloud computing) when that vision has failed miserably simply because one can not get access everywhere is a mistake. To not have built-in applications when your competitor has a fully functional operating system with free apps is short-sighted. To not have a reasonable base of applications ready for the release date and no applications purchase avenue (i.e. App Store) is suicidal. I will not be buying an Apple iPad because it lacks many items I want in a tablet (webcam, microphone, infra-red, SDHC slot, mini-HDMI, etc.). However, if I wanted or needed such a device, I would buy the Apple one well before I bought the JooJoo simply because I can do more out of the box with the Apple unit the moment i turn it on and, I don't need Internet access in order to start doing anything. Sorry JooJoo, you have a good foundation but you need to get up to snuff and quick or you will be regulated to a footnote as yet another challenger to the Apple throne that failed to dislodge them from their mighty perch.
Peace
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL.
The Talking Dog
---------------
A guy was driving around the back roads of up-state New York when he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '.
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ?
'Do You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the Australian Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'
'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down'.
'I retired from the Corps (eight dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is totally amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a liar... He never did any of that crap. ..'
The Talking Dog
---------------
A guy was driving around the back roads of up-state New York when he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '.
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ?
'Do You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the Australian Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'
'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down'.
'I retired from the Corps (eight dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is totally amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a liar... He never did any of that crap. ..'
Friday, February 12, 2010
If your Windows 7 installation is, er, questionable, you need this link.
OK, so you've been "test driving" WIndows 7. For a while now. Since it was released to retail. Permanently.
Well, you knew the boys at Redmond were not going to stand for that much longer. So, be prepared for the start of the war between M$ and everyone else as the son of Genuine Activation, now known as WAT, comes rolling through to check things out. They say it will be "optionally" but we will see how long that lasts.
Personally, this is the first Windows since WFW 3.11 and WIndows 98SE that I am willing to pay for. The choice is yours though so be forearmed as you are now forewarned.
Peace.
http://arstechnica.com/microsoft/news/2010/02/new-windows-7-antipiracy-update-to-phone-home-regularly.ars
Well, you knew the boys at Redmond were not going to stand for that much longer. So, be prepared for the start of the war between M$ and everyone else as the son of Genuine Activation, now known as WAT, comes rolling through to check things out. They say it will be "optionally" but we will see how long that lasts.
Personally, this is the first Windows since WFW 3.11 and WIndows 98SE that I am willing to pay for. The choice is yours though so be forearmed as you are now forewarned.
Peace.
http://arstechnica.com/microsoft/news/2010/02/new-windows-7-antipiracy-update-to-phone-home-regularly.ars
Friday, January 29, 2010
Another Today's Funny - XXX (it's too cold to have just one)
The Old Golfer
--------------
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into
the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging
over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old
golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides
down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady,"
he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes
with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am.".....
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,
"Well, wash your hands real fucking good, because I want a cheeseburger."
--------------
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into
the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging
over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old
golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides
down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady,"
he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes
with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am.".....
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,
"Well, wash your hands real fucking good, because I want a cheeseburger."
Today's Funny
Once again, submitted by BT from MTL. Thanks! Very funny one.
--------------------------------------------
Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'
--------------------------------------------
Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL.
------------------------
A Calgary senior citizen drove his brand new red Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 130 km/h, enjoying the wind blowing through what
little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the Trans-Canada towards Banff, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Royal Canadian Mounted Police patrol car behind him,
blue and red lights flashing. He floored it to 160 Km/h, then 180, then 200.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the RCMP's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Officer walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding
that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer.
I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Officer.
------------------------
A Calgary senior citizen drove his brand new red Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 130 km/h, enjoying the wind blowing through what
little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the Trans-Canada towards Banff, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Royal Canadian Mounted Police patrol car behind him,
blue and red lights flashing. He floored it to 160 Km/h, then 180, then 200.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the RCMP's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Officer walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding
that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer.
I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Officer.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL. Yes, SHE is going to hell. :-)
--------------------------------------
The absolute best Little Johnnie joke
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.
--------------------------------------
The absolute best Little Johnnie joke
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.
Monday, December 14, 2009
A Conversation Between a Priest and a Rabbi.
Submitted by BT from MTL. Yes, I am going to hell.
-------------------------
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
-------------
May happiness smile on your world and in your heart...
-------------------------
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
-------------
May happiness smile on your world and in your heart...
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Today's Funny
I know, it's been a while but it's been some trying times. Anyhow, here is a joke from BT from MTL. Enjoy.
--------------------------------------
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re Sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this Really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
Bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
1. A salt shaker,
2. A shot of Baileys,
3. A shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue.
Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth.
And finally you drink the lime juice.'
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth..........smooth, Rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits
2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles
3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like Consistency hits
4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus what do you call that drink?'
She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'
--------------------------------------
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re Sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this Really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
Bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
1. A salt shaker,
2. A shot of Baileys,
3. A shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue.
Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth.
And finally you drink the lime juice.'
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth..........smooth, Rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits
2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles
3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like Consistency hits
4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus what do you call that drink?'
She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Today's Funny (Note: I want to try this in Walmart)
Submitted by Skibum
-------------------
Husband Banned from Target
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
-------------------
Husband Banned from Target
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
This may yet JUST begin to address my space issues. :-)
Definitely less expensive than a full-fledged setup the likes of Dell or EMC but still not "cheap" for the home enthusiast as myself. Seriously though, I have either serious issues or truly rose to a new level if I need to start setting up things like this. That said, would be damn fun trying it out.
Petabytes on a budget: How to build cheap cloud storage | Backblaze Blog
Petabytes on a budget: How to build cheap cloud storage | Backblaze Blog
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