Today's Funnies (Groans?)

Submitted by Marsha Marsha Marsha
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A collection of puns

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, “I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don't you know who I am?
I am the king!”

Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire ... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, “Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!”

The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient.”

4. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- “He who has a Tate's is lost!”

5. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”

6. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

7. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

8. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas.”

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL.
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Tablets


My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

First Funnies of the Year

Submitted by the Mad English
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Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'.

I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?'

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak!!!

Today's Funnies

Brought to you by BT from MTL.
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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

-------------------

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

Today's Funny

Submitted by Roxanne Roxanne
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Nothing like Nature: Joke of the day....


Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25 years they had spent together. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well-known 'happy going marriage'.

Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?'

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We went to Mexico for our honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.

Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, 'This is your first time'. She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. She again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!

I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?'

She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: 'This is your first time!!!'

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
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Subject: Indian Cab Driver

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a location in Palm Springs Ca.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------


The New Dentures

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...


Don't shoot the messenger

Today's Funny

Submitted by Tom Thumb
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First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you must not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger, but sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay attention."

Today's Funny (xxx)

Submitted by BT from MTL
-----------------------------

DO YOU HAVE A VAGINA?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina'?

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it.'

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question, 'Do you have vagina'?

'Yes' she says.

The man replies, 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

Try Your Luck

TBD

Whatever title you read above was written after I started writing the post. I drew a complete blank as to what title properly conveys all my thoughts and right now I've got nothing. There is simply too much floating around this old nogging from the recent events.

On Saturday July 9th 2011 at6:49PM, my father quietly passed away at Sunnybrook hospital. He was surrounded by me and my three siblings, our mother, family and friends. He was 73 years old, had battled a number of health issues over the years, but had lived a full life which was unfortunately cut short by a freak accident and post-op complications.

Hard to think. Pausing this blog post.

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
-------------------------

Two Italians on a bus - NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!"


NOTE: $5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

Enjoy life now - it has an expiration date!!

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
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No Toilet Paper

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom. She said yes.

When he went to wipe his butt there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get
scared away."

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked
him, "What do you have in your hand?"

The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands
he'll get scared away."

The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"

He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did,you scared the shit out of him!"

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

Manners At The Beach

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself!"

Today's Funny

Submitted by Cyclebabe
----------------------

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat
and One says to the other, "I hear that the people
of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and
they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please! ," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige,
wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers
cautiously.

"What part did you get"?

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

Can you relate to this?



A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

GO Adventures: An extended post

Normally I FB this missive but I needed more space to properly explain today's level of ignorance. I had plenty of time to make the 7:15AM train this morning so I was in no particular rush as I made my way into the station and down into the tunnel that leads to the train platform.

For convenience, and eventually cash savings, I signed up for the Presto card which allows me to swipe a card (like you do your PayPass credit cards) against a reader and be on my way with the payment deducted from my prepaid amount. A gentleman was at the first device as I approached so I adjusted my speed accordingly as I positioned myself to be next at the reader. I then stopped, swiped my card and turned to leave.

This blond beeyatch to my right, reaches around me to swipe her card. What's the big deal you ask? There are THREE other readers within five feet of each other, none of which are open. She doesn't say excuse me, sorry, nothing; she just walks off. I mutter allowed, "Stupid People!" at which point she spins back towards me with this look of disgust on her face and yells to me, "Seriously??!?!"

I answer her with an equally loud, "Seriously!!!!"

She then has the audacity to say to me, "Well, you don't just stop like that in front of someone!" Uhm, you can not wave the card AT the machine it must actually touch the reader so yes, you basically have to come to a quick halt and then continue on. Anyone that uses the reader knows this.

As still not feeling well and in no mood to have this stupid twit get away this infraction, I make sure everyone in the vicinity heard me clearly when I yelled at her, "YOU ARE A MORON!!!"

I think the looks from everyone was enough for her to think she best just make her way up to the platform. If not for wanting to remain in some semblance of cultured society, I would have uttered the rest of what I was thinking at the time and make her truly have something to think about for the rest of the day.

Locked and loaded people. Bring it on.

No more promises

I know I have been a very bad blogger, and I apologize to the few of you left you give a crap about whether I write anything new or not. It's not for lack of wanting to continue is more times than not being overwhelmed with what I want to say, then having to censor myself because I need to think of my job or my family or other issues. Freedom of Speech is not what it used to be and in today's climate, the wrong words can literally get you killed.

In any case, I will be once again attempting to regularly blog as I routinely run out of room on Facebook and Twitter for the venom I want to spew. Stay tuned. :)

Moi

Today's (very) Funny, with a dose of truth/usefulness

Submitted by BT from MTL
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Greek Philosophy --- As pertinent today as 399 BC !!

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife!

Today's Funny

As almost always, submitted by BT from MTL.
-------------------------------------------

British humor....



These are classified ads which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard..
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't
have a headache and sex at the same time?"