Today's funny (from my sick bed)

From BT in MTL
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Quote from the mom:

"This is my kindergartener's artistic rendering of a pair of scissors. I wonder what his teacher thought. I allowed myself just a small smirk when I saw it. I waited until he was out of the room before I started crying, from laughing so hard."

Well, of course they're scissors. If you know someone with small children or you are a teacher...you will love this! I can certainly imagine seeing this one proudly displayed on the mother's fridge at home...





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Submitted by down home MR. Thanks friend. :)
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TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the- room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three Thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

Life is too short and friends are too few.

Happy Birthday, DW!!!

Well, it has been (numeral edited out to protect editor's life) years since my dear wife came into the world. What I am sure was a very happy event for her parents' household, it was an important date because without it, I would not have her here today with me and TC. While she can undoubtedly be a PITA sometimes, she is also a very loving wife and mother and we rely and depend on her in so many ways. Personally, these past years were only tolerable because I had a strong foundation holding me up and together. I am very thankful this lady entered my life and I cherish the time we have together. This is one more year to celebrate that time and her life. That started with TC's birthday wish before she left for school this morning, and continued afterwards, and continues this evening at my MIL's place where we will be having dinner this evening with the traditional family chocolate birthday cake awaiting consumption.

Best wishes for many more happy years my love. I know what you've asked for (it's in the works), I know what you want (it's in the works) and I know what you deserve (sorry, I cannot work miracles but I will do my best). Happy Birthday and enjoy.

Peace. Love. Happiness.

Today's funny (from my sick bed)

Submitted by BT from MTL and dedicated to all my golfing friends.

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Subject: Putt Putt

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses.

'Help me dear,' she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up
his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. 'I'm dying over
here and you're putting?'

'Don't worry dear', says the husband calmly, 'they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you'.

'Well how long will it take for him to get here', she asks feebly?

'No time at all', says her husband. 'Everybody's already agreed to let him play through'.
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And a response sent by LB
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A husband arrives home from being away golfing for 10 hours.

His angry wife greets him at the door, "Where have you been your normally only gone five hours for golf?"

"Well Charlie dropped dead of a heart attack on the 3rd hole."

His wife gasps, "I'm so sorry I yelled at you. That's awful."

"You're telling me the rest of the round was awful. It was hit the ball, drag Charlie...."

Food for Thought: Think Progress » Bush inartfully suggests Saddam killed Mandela.

Right off the bat, I will be honest in saying that I have zero love for George W. Bush. I don't care about all the history, draft-dodging, privilege, oil or anything else that has been said about him. The simple fact is he is NOT supposed to be president but thanks to the laughable system used in America and the coincidental good fortune he observed in a stated that this brother runs, here we are. Every time this goof ball makes a verbal gaff in the public eye, he diminishes all that the Western world supposedly accomplished above all those poor little countries that don't have as much. I will bet you that the poorest child in Africa that has been taught to speak English can articulate his or her thoughts in a more concise manner than this silver-spoon fed boob.

So, imagine my shock while watching The Daily Show with Jon Stewart a little while ago (1PM Eastern) and heard Bush's latest pearl of wisdom. I read over what he said and I understand inflection and nuance quite well so I know what he was "trying" to say but the fact remains that what he said and how he mumbled/bumbled it out had everyone's attention wondering what the hell was he smoking, sniffing and/or drinking. Seriously, rather than a pearl of wisdom, Bush looked more like he was wearing a "pearl necklace" (Google that one for an alternate meaning). Much like some people I work with, Bush should not be allowed to speak in public or to the public. Make the hard decisions, decide on world policy, rule the world... just do it in the privacy of your own closet in the White House.

Peace.

Think Progress » Bush inartfully suggests Saddam killed Mandela.

Neat commerical that we will probably never see in North America.

Today's funnies

Submitted by BT from MTL
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Last May, Boudreaux married an attractive woman, Lola, half his age. After several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grand Momma, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Carencro. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Momma and Daddy would fan a cow that was having any difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from the big city of Baton Rouge to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Lola still had not climaxed! They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lola to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Boudreaux waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Boudreaux looked down at the exhausted young man and in a cocky manner said . . . . .

"And DAT, my friend, is how you wave a towel!"

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THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"

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SUMBICH

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters
and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator
in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to
jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its butt!

Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs,
throwing punches, head butts and choke holds,
biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator
through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.

Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,"

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something.

You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.

How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!"

A funny reposted due to technical difficulties

You got to love this guy.

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It made the local newspaper; even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's family & to especially thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, were an envelope. He stressed that this was his gift to everyone, & asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with his best friend, the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier & had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man & said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to his bride & said, "F--- you!" Then he turned back to the dumbfounded crowd & said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing the following morning. While most people would have canceled the Wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300+ guest wedding & reception, & best of all, trashing the bride's & his best man's reputations in front of 300+ friends & family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a Master Card "PRICELESS" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members & friends: $32,000...
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000...
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500...
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping his best man: Priceless...

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!

IT Tidbits: PC World - Prince to Sue YouTube, eBay Over Music Use

PC World - Prince to Sue YouTube, eBay Over Music Use

IT Tidbits: PC World - First Look: Apple's 160GB iPod Classic

PC World - First Look: Apple's 160GB iPod Classic

IT Tidbits: Today @ PC World iPod Touch: Gorgeous and Talented, but is it Overqualified?

Today @ PC World iPod Touch: Gorgeous and Talented, but is it Overqualified?

Today's funny

Submitted by DW
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Subject: FW: Trini Beggar


Every morning John would drive by Wrightson Road and every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar $10.00. After a while John started to give the beggar $7.00. The Beggar noticing that his money has been reduced was not too pleased, but said nothing. After a while John started to give the Beggar $5.00. The Beggar noticing this further decrease became noticeably upset and decided to speak to John about it.

He stopped John one morning after accepting $5.00 and said, "Wah happening man". "yuh use to give me $10.00, den yuh cut it down to $7.00, now dis?"

John replied, "Boy, times get hard. Meh eldest boy just start university and meh daughter now in High School...so you know how it does go..."

The beggar looked at him with impatience and asked, "Exactly how much chirren yuh have boss?"

"Five" replied John

The now irate beggar asked in a tone of disbelief, "So yuh mean to tell me that is outa MY money yuh sending yuh chirren to school?"

IT Tidbits: Apple love/hate

OK, my enthusiasm has been dampened. While the new Apple line of Mac products are indeed what I reported yesterday, it is not what I actually envisioned. The biggest disappointment for me is that the iPod Touch is more a supersized Nano/neutered iPhone than an updated iPod video (nee Classic). As such, the new must have iPod will only have capacities of 8GB and 16GB in NAND flash chips. The new iPod video, now called Classic, has been redesigned and price chopped BUT it has the same click wheel interface as the previous model and not the spiffy new touchscreen. This may not be a big deal for some but it is disappointing for those of us looking to have the go to item with the 160GB hard drive, sweet 3.5in screen and super wicked interface. I just know those bastards at Apple will bring this out next Christmas so they can megabyte me until then; I won't be spending my hard earned cash on this stepping stone of models.

Now, that said, for those of you currently without an iPod of any kind, you are going to have a field day. Why? Well, for starters, the retailers and first adopters are going to be trying to get rid of the old models so prices are going to drop and sales will be on often. They simply cannot sell the last generation flagship model at the same price as the new flagship since the consumer will not pay for a model that is half the size and larger than the new one. The Nanos have also changed radically so only those not interested in playing video (soon to be the minority player buyers) will want to try to snap up the phased out colourful players. The new Nanos are like mini iPod Classics sporting a larger screen and the ability to play videos. This was a necessary move by Apple as ALL their competitors in the same price range have offered more features like AM/FM radio, voice recording and video playback (albeit on 1.8 OLED screens) to battle the Nanos dominance. I guess the other players have cut into the profits enough to force Apple to make this change.

So, my advice to you is to do your research before you buy. Weigh the cost to the features and to your needs to make an informed decision. And, if you trust my judgment, by all means send me an email and I will try to help you wade through all of this.

Ciao.

IT tidbits: Apple announces iPod overhaul; cuts iPhone price - Sep. 5, 2007

Uhm, I need to wipe up. Excuse me for a moment..... Ok, I'm back and I'm calm. I've been waiting for this for a long while. Along with a whole lot of other Apple watchers and lovers, we knew this time would come; we knew it was inevitable.

When DW gets her new iPod (yes, she gets almost ALL new technology coming into the house first), it will be the fourth of six generations of iPods this family has owned (not including the shuffle which TC was able to successfully destroy as quickly and efficiently as her uncle used to). We still have all the iPods we purchased as they may get old, bulky, have shorter battery life and less featured than each successor but they still have purpose and function. We have the bulky 2nd gen touch wheel 20GB unit, the click wheel 4th gen 40GB unit (bought mere months before the bastards added colour and then photo capability, but I'm not bitter) and a click wheel fifth gen 80GB iPod video (bought at an incredible price from our local FS thanks to a flub in another store's flyer) which DW thought she would not use often enough to make it worth the expense but now uses daily.

Steve Jobs used to seem annoyed when people asked him about adding video to the iPod. He brushed off all suggestions of such a move saying that the iPod was a music player and that is what people wanted to do with it. Obviously, his tune for his "music" player changed quite rapidly and convincingly as he recognized that those who brought forth the first video players did not do it quite right. With the iPod video, he made it easy to watch video on a handheld unit and, with the already established click wheel interface, made it easy to navigate the various video files on the unit. Then, with the update in iTunes and the iTunes store, made it easy to purchase and store new videos, TV and movies on the iPod.

Evolution and Revolution are now upon us though. Not only is wireless capability being added to one model, but the anticipated new model iPod, the iPod Touch, is being released as everyone that has followed the iPhone new was going to happen. If you have been under a rock someplace, the iPhone is a smartphone from Apple that has been hailed as the coming of the phone that everyone really wanted. Naturally, that is not quite true but it is darn close (and possible once they add the features they bloody should have in the first place). The iPhone brought to market a touchscreen interface that basically worked as advertised. It utilizes a glass screen that everything I had read says is virtually impossible to scratch (i.e. keys scraped directly across it does nothing) but super easy to smudge, thus an included cloth. It's a very nice unit to look at too but the most important feature is the one you don't actually see but runs the whole thing: the operating system.

While a lot of different phones have a lot of different operating systems, only the ones based on the PocketPC format running a mobile version of Windows called Windows Mobile 6.0 (used to be Window CE) are close to what Apple is doing now. The iPhone, and soon every other device that Apple makes, will be running on a version of their venerable Mac OS X, which itself is based on BSD, a UNIX variant. What this means is that programming and developing for all Apple products just got a whole lot simpler for those in that line of work. It also means that every device running Mac OS X just got a whole lot smarter, more powerful and most important, more extensible. That last point is what drives the Apple machine; third party add ins. Let's be honest, nothing says individuality than having the latest and greatest gadget add on to your Mac, iPod, or Nano. There is a HUGE industry built up to provide us with things we do not need but we always want to set us apart from the other people around us with the same devices. That leopard-skin iPod case does not protect it anymore than the much cheaper silicone one but, arguably, looks so much better.

Now, while I will be looking more for a nifty new leather holster for the iPod, it is the new iPod itself that has me salivating and wet like a, er, nevermind. Suffice it to say that I am excited by the prospect of new technology. I wanted an iPhone and, now that it has been hacked to work on any GSM system, I may yet get one. However, the iPod Touch is definitely on the list of next to get. DW, prepare to receive new tech. Sweet Mother!!

Apple announces iPod overhaul; cuts iPhone price - Sep. 5, 2007

Today's funnies

I must apologize as I keep forgetting to credit BT from MTL for the various laughs I've shared in the last while.

Enjoy.
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Subject: Fw: "T.G.I.F."

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt.
"Why are you wearing a Thank God it's Friday
Tee-shirt on Monday?" "Oh crap!" the blonde says,
"I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."

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