Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
Greek Philosophy --- As pertinent today as 399 BC !!
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
Today's Funny
As almost always, submitted by BT from MTL.
-------------------------------------------
British humor....
These are classified ads which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard..
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't
have a headache and sex at the same time?"
-------------------------------------------
British humor....
These are classified ads which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard..
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't
have a headache and sex at the same time?"
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Today's Funny
Submitted by BTL from MTL
-------------------------
FIRST TIME SEX
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to
meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is
such a big event,the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time
and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no
movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist.'
-------------------------
FIRST TIME SEX
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to
meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is
such a big event,the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time
and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no
movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist.'
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
Amish elevator
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again...
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go get your mother."
------------------------
Amish elevator
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again...
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go get your mother."
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Today's Funnies
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
Quick thinker -
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
In the back was a large pond that was ideal for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices voices raised in laughter.
A bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked.'
Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
-----------------------------------
A Love Story For the Season -
I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now get your mind out of the gutter and, go get your flu shot!
------------------------
Quick thinker -
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
In the back was a large pond that was ideal for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices voices raised in laughter.
A bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked.'
Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
-----------------------------------
A Love Story For the Season -
I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now get your mind out of the gutter and, go get your flu shot!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Today's Funny (please don't shoot the messenger)
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
Plane To Toronto
A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in Economy class gets up and moves to the first class Section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry." and returns back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her first class isn't going to Toronto".
------------------------
Plane To Toronto
A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in Economy class gets up and moves to the first class Section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry." and returns back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her first class isn't going to Toronto".
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
The IRS vs Grandpa
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!
------------------------
The IRS vs Grandpa
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED ! ! !
My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"while we were in bed.
I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then asked, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing at 40 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and learned that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said,
"I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started....
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife,
"who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started....
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replied,
"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
------------------------
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED ! ! !
My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"while we were in bed.
I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then asked, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing at 40 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and learned that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said,
"I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started....
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife,
"who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started....
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replied,
"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL.
-------------------------
WELFARE
A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.Because of the long hours, meals will be provided, and you'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."
"This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job ssignment satisfying her ...'urges' as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, stammers, "You're bullshittin' me!".
The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."
-------------------------
WELFARE
A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.Because of the long hours, meals will be provided, and you'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."
"This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job ssignment satisfying her ...'urges' as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, stammers, "You're bullshittin' me!".
The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."
Friday, August 20, 2010
Today's Funny (For Trekkies)
Submitted by a cool dude at work. A little dated but still funny (for us Trekkies anyhow).
--------------------------------------------
Top 12 Things A Klingon Programmer Would Say
12. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if
Iam to do battle with this code!
10. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
original Klingon.
9. Indentation?! -- I will show you how to indent when I indent your
skull!
8. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software'
releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers
and quality assurance people in its wake.
7. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -- they have
'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
6. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the
weak.
5. I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth
contest. They will not concern us again.
4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
3. By filing this SPR you have challenged the honor of my family.
Prepare to die!
2. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you
stand!
1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software. Ship it!
Ship it, and let them flee like the dogs they are!
--------------------------------------------
Top 12 Things A Klingon Programmer Would Say
12. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if
Iam to do battle with this code!
10. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
original Klingon.
9. Indentation?! -- I will show you how to indent when I indent your
skull!
8. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software'
releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers
and quality assurance people in its wake.
7. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -- they have
'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
6. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the
weak.
5. I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth
contest. They will not concern us again.
4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
3. By filing this SPR you have challenged the honor of my family.
Prepare to die!
2. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you
stand!
1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software. Ship it!
Ship it, and let them flee like the dogs they are!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
In Memory of Dian Price
There are people on this planet that touch you and you do not know it. There are those that touch you that you wish did not. And there are those that touch you and somehow, profoundly, leave their mark on you forever. Dian Price's legacy will be felt for a long time. I am but a third-party observer in the grand scheme of things but the image is a lasting one. To be genuinely treated and welcomed in as family from first contact is an awesome feeling. Through her son, Dave, I've gained a friend for life that I know without hesitation that I can always count on. Through her grandchildren, especially Jennifer (whom I regard like my own daughter), I am privileged to experience their growth and triumphs in life. Through her husband of 50+ years, I get to experience the strength of love and the bond of family.
These things are immeasurable, intangible, and unimaginably precious. I appreciate having been a part, however brief, of Dian's life and can only work hard, and hope, that when my time comes to pass, I will have as many people looking favourably upon how I touched their lives.
Rest In Peace, Dian. You will be missed but you will never be forgotten.
These things are immeasurable, intangible, and unimaginably precious. I appreciate having been a part, however brief, of Dian's life and can only work hard, and hope, that when my time comes to pass, I will have as many people looking favourably upon how I touched their lives.
Rest In Peace, Dian. You will be missed but you will never be forgotten.
Today's Funny
Ouch, been a while oh poor neglected blog page.
Submitted by Tom Thumb.
------------------------------------------------
Ever wondered about Guts or Balls...?
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: "You're next, fatty."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Submitted by Tom Thumb.
------------------------------------------------
Ever wondered about Guts or Balls...?
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: "You're next, fatty."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Today`s Long Weekend Funny
Submitted by The Finn.
----------------------
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer .
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
----------------------
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer .
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sony has finally lost their Vulcan mind!
Sony Zaps PlayStation 3 'Install Other OS' Feature - PCWorld
One commenter on their blog or somewhere said it the best... How the hell do you justify removing a feature that is written ON the box that you sold people??!?! I hope Sony has set aside a nice fund and their international lawyers time and resources because this is going to be a legal battle royale. I will be utterly shocked if several class action suits are not brought against Sony to prevent this foolishness from happening. They will stupidly underestimate that only the uber geeks will care about this feature. What they fail to realize is that everyone with a phat PS3 will be pissed off that they can take away paid for features on a whim without asking.
Imagine other companies doing this to you. You buy that shiny new hybrid from Ford or Toyota and the next morning, the lithium batteries are missing. You buy that house with the ocean-view and wake up to facing a mountainside. You buy a mixed drink and the "mix" is absent. You get the picture. I could go on and on but the simple fact is that you would not tolerate any of those scenarios so none of us should tolerate this from Sony. They are the masters at screwing with their customers (remember the rootkit CD fiasco?) and they are the masters are trying to push proprietary crap upon the public against established standards (take your pick: Betamax, Mini-Disc, Memory Stick, etc.).
I truly hope smarter heads prevail but the history of the Sony Corporation is that they will dig their heals in like petulant children to try and get their way. What they will end of doing is seeing a mass sale of the old PS3s, a sharp reduction in sales of the new PS3s, a general boycott of all things Sony and a MOUNTAIN to climb to get back to respectability (if that is even still possible). Sony, you make some really, REALLY nice (and overpriced) products. Don't f**k your customers and in turn f**k yourselves by doing something this stupid.
Just. DON'T. Do. It.
Peace.
One commenter on their blog or somewhere said it the best... How the hell do you justify removing a feature that is written ON the box that you sold people??!?! I hope Sony has set aside a nice fund and their international lawyers time and resources because this is going to be a legal battle royale. I will be utterly shocked if several class action suits are not brought against Sony to prevent this foolishness from happening. They will stupidly underestimate that only the uber geeks will care about this feature. What they fail to realize is that everyone with a phat PS3 will be pissed off that they can take away paid for features on a whim without asking.
Imagine other companies doing this to you. You buy that shiny new hybrid from Ford or Toyota and the next morning, the lithium batteries are missing. You buy that house with the ocean-view and wake up to facing a mountainside. You buy a mixed drink and the "mix" is absent. You get the picture. I could go on and on but the simple fact is that you would not tolerate any of those scenarios so none of us should tolerate this from Sony. They are the masters at screwing with their customers (remember the rootkit CD fiasco?) and they are the masters are trying to push proprietary crap upon the public against established standards (take your pick: Betamax, Mini-Disc, Memory Stick, etc.).
I truly hope smarter heads prevail but the history of the Sony Corporation is that they will dig their heals in like petulant children to try and get their way. What they will end of doing is seeing a mass sale of the old PS3s, a sharp reduction in sales of the new PS3s, a general boycott of all things Sony and a MOUNTAIN to climb to get back to respectability (if that is even still possible). Sony, you make some really, REALLY nice (and overpriced) products. Don't f**k your customers and in turn f**k yourselves by doing something this stupid.
Just. DON'T. Do. It.
Peace.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Today's Funny
Sent in by Skibum from Whitby
-----------------------------
Subject: Life explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes
in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll
give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years....
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me
my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
-----------------------------
Subject: Life explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes
in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll
give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years....
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me
my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by LB from OTT.
-------------------------
Morris
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the Husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... Just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
Tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... You don't!'
-------------------------
Morris
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the Husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... Just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
Tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... You don't!'
Monday, March 15, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
TALKING CLOCK
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off
his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way
to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!
------------------------
TALKING CLOCK
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off
his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way
to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Today's Funnies
Submitted by BT from MTL.
-------------------------
LADY'S YEARLY EXAM
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I
was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.
---------------------------------
Why Women Lie
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.'
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
-------------------------
LADY'S YEARLY EXAM
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I
was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.
---------------------------------
Why Women Lie
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.'
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
iPad Killer? Close but no cigar.
JooJoo
The screen is bigger, it has a webcam and microphone, the connections are more, the idea is sound... but the execution falls short. To have a Net-based OS (i.e. cloud computing) when that vision has failed miserably simply because one can not get access everywhere is a mistake. To not have built-in applications when your competitor has a fully functional operating system with free apps is short-sighted. To not have a reasonable base of applications ready for the release date and no applications purchase avenue (i.e. App Store) is suicidal. I will not be buying an Apple iPad because it lacks many items I want in a tablet (webcam, microphone, infra-red, SDHC slot, mini-HDMI, etc.). However, if I wanted or needed such a device, I would buy the Apple one well before I bought the JooJoo simply because I can do more out of the box with the Apple unit the moment i turn it on and, I don't need Internet access in order to start doing anything. Sorry JooJoo, you have a good foundation but you need to get up to snuff and quick or you will be regulated to a footnote as yet another challenger to the Apple throne that failed to dislodge them from their mighty perch.
Peace
The screen is bigger, it has a webcam and microphone, the connections are more, the idea is sound... but the execution falls short. To have a Net-based OS (i.e. cloud computing) when that vision has failed miserably simply because one can not get access everywhere is a mistake. To not have built-in applications when your competitor has a fully functional operating system with free apps is short-sighted. To not have a reasonable base of applications ready for the release date and no applications purchase avenue (i.e. App Store) is suicidal. I will not be buying an Apple iPad because it lacks many items I want in a tablet (webcam, microphone, infra-red, SDHC slot, mini-HDMI, etc.). However, if I wanted or needed such a device, I would buy the Apple one well before I bought the JooJoo simply because I can do more out of the box with the Apple unit the moment i turn it on and, I don't need Internet access in order to start doing anything. Sorry JooJoo, you have a good foundation but you need to get up to snuff and quick or you will be regulated to a footnote as yet another challenger to the Apple throne that failed to dislodge them from their mighty perch.
Peace
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL.
The Talking Dog
---------------
A guy was driving around the back roads of up-state New York when he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '.
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ?
'Do You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the Australian Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'
'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down'.
'I retired from the Corps (eight dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is totally amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a liar... He never did any of that crap. ..'
The Talking Dog
---------------
A guy was driving around the back roads of up-state New York when he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '.
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ?
'Do You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the Australian Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'
'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down'.
'I retired from the Corps (eight dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is totally amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a liar... He never did any of that crap. ..'
Friday, February 12, 2010
If your Windows 7 installation is, er, questionable, you need this link.
OK, so you've been "test driving" WIndows 7. For a while now. Since it was released to retail. Permanently.
Well, you knew the boys at Redmond were not going to stand for that much longer. So, be prepared for the start of the war between M$ and everyone else as the son of Genuine Activation, now known as WAT, comes rolling through to check things out. They say it will be "optionally" but we will see how long that lasts.
Personally, this is the first Windows since WFW 3.11 and WIndows 98SE that I am willing to pay for. The choice is yours though so be forearmed as you are now forewarned.
Peace.
http://arstechnica.com/microsoft/news/2010/02/new-windows-7-antipiracy-update-to-phone-home-regularly.ars
Well, you knew the boys at Redmond were not going to stand for that much longer. So, be prepared for the start of the war between M$ and everyone else as the son of Genuine Activation, now known as WAT, comes rolling through to check things out. They say it will be "optionally" but we will see how long that lasts.
Personally, this is the first Windows since WFW 3.11 and WIndows 98SE that I am willing to pay for. The choice is yours though so be forearmed as you are now forewarned.
Peace.
http://arstechnica.com/microsoft/news/2010/02/new-windows-7-antipiracy-update-to-phone-home-regularly.ars
Friday, January 29, 2010
Another Today's Funny - XXX (it's too cold to have just one)
The Old Golfer
--------------
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into
the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging
over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old
golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides
down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady,"
he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes
with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am.".....
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,
"Well, wash your hands real fucking good, because I want a cheeseburger."
--------------
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into
the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging
over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old
golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides
down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady,"
he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes
with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am.".....
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,
"Well, wash your hands real fucking good, because I want a cheeseburger."
Today's Funny
Once again, submitted by BT from MTL. Thanks! Very funny one.
--------------------------------------------
Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'
--------------------------------------------
Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL.
------------------------
A Calgary senior citizen drove his brand new red Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 130 km/h, enjoying the wind blowing through what
little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the Trans-Canada towards Banff, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Royal Canadian Mounted Police patrol car behind him,
blue and red lights flashing. He floored it to 160 Km/h, then 180, then 200.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the RCMP's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Officer walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding
that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer.
I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Officer.
------------------------
A Calgary senior citizen drove his brand new red Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 130 km/h, enjoying the wind blowing through what
little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the Trans-Canada towards Banff, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Royal Canadian Mounted Police patrol car behind him,
blue and red lights flashing. He floored it to 160 Km/h, then 180, then 200.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the RCMP's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Officer walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding
that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer.
I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Officer.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL. Yes, SHE is going to hell. :-)
--------------------------------------
The absolute best Little Johnnie joke
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.
--------------------------------------
The absolute best Little Johnnie joke
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.
Monday, December 14, 2009
A Conversation Between a Priest and a Rabbi.
Submitted by BT from MTL. Yes, I am going to hell.
-------------------------
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
-------------
May happiness smile on your world and in your heart...
-------------------------
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
-------------
May happiness smile on your world and in your heart...
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Today's Funny
I know, it's been a while but it's been some trying times. Anyhow, here is a joke from BT from MTL. Enjoy.
--------------------------------------
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re Sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this Really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
Bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
1. A salt shaker,
2. A shot of Baileys,
3. A shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue.
Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth.
And finally you drink the lime juice.'
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth..........smooth, Rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits
2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles
3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like Consistency hits
4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus what do you call that drink?'
She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'
--------------------------------------
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re Sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this Really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
Bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
1. A salt shaker,
2. A shot of Baileys,
3. A shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue.
Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth.
And finally you drink the lime juice.'
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth..........smooth, Rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits
2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles
3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like Consistency hits
4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus what do you call that drink?'
She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Today's Funny (Note: I want to try this in Walmart)
Submitted by Skibum
-------------------
Husband Banned from Target
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
-------------------
Husband Banned from Target
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
This may yet JUST begin to address my space issues. :-)
Definitely less expensive than a full-fledged setup the likes of Dell or EMC but still not "cheap" for the home enthusiast as myself. Seriously though, I have either serious issues or truly rose to a new level if I need to start setting up things like this. That said, would be damn fun trying it out.
Petabytes on a budget: How to build cheap cloud storage | Backblaze Blog
Petabytes on a budget: How to build cheap cloud storage | Backblaze Blog
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Brush up on your High Holidays!
As well as many other things.
I may not be Jewish but being married to a person that is means to at least have some understanding and participation in the things and times that are important to her. Truth be told, there are times I am the better Jew, lol. Anyhow, it is important to my DW so that makes it important to me. Important days are coming up in the Jewish Calendar including the New Year and Day of Atonement. This site provides plain language explanations for all of it.
Enjoy.
Jewish New Year: High Holidays 2009, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and Simchat Torah
I may not be Jewish but being married to a person that is means to at least have some understanding and participation in the things and times that are important to her. Truth be told, there are times I am the better Jew, lol. Anyhow, it is important to my DW so that makes it important to me. Important days are coming up in the Jewish Calendar including the New Year and Day of Atonement. This site provides plain language explanations for all of it.
Enjoy.
Jewish New Year: High Holidays 2009, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and Simchat Torah
Monday, August 31, 2009
When you just HAVE to have it!
Thanks to JN for posting this on FB. I think the point I want to make is that this guy was playing a harmless game, in a harmless location, harmlessly. He was stupid if he was talking to other players on the microphone in the middle of the library. Other than that though, would you rather him hassling you for money on a street corner or worse yet, robbing you or carjacking you?
Get a grip people.
Guy Busted for Stealing WiFi at NYC Library — to Play Halo - Halo - Kotaku
Get a grip people.
Guy Busted for Stealing WiFi at NYC Library — to Play Halo - Halo - Kotaku
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Look who bought a clue!
They said "No". Sony said that they would NOT lower the price on their gaming console to match Nintendo's Wii and Microsoft's Xbox 360 pricing. They said they would NOT make adjustments to a system that was grossly overpriced when it debuted and stayed that way as the competitors kicked its ass up and down the gaming charts. The built-in Blu-ray player made no difference to this status. People continually chose the other two systems or a standalone system or even the older (much cheaper) PS2 systems over Sony's flagship unit. This was pointed out to them many times over but they have stubbornly refused to budge. Over principle or over something else? Who knows? Who really cares?
As a consumer, I chose the systems that gave me the best bang for the buck and and the best overall experience (you know what I mean, right?). I would have bought an original 20Gb or 60GB model to get the backward-compatible Emotion engine so I could ditch our PS2 but I was not paying the ridiculous amount of money to get one when the system was released (and they are very hard to find used at a reasonable price, natch). Sony lowered the price on their system but removed the Emotion engine; too little too late.
So will the PS3 Slim finally be the unit that puts Sony in the same playing field as the Wii and the 360? I doubt it. they are still being stupid about things by no lowering the price of the 80GB and 160GB units currently on sale as they clear them out of inventory. That's both stubborn and stupid. Their reasoning? People will buy the old ones out of nostalgia or because they prefer the shape. Are you freaking kidding me?
I want a PS3 because I am a bonified geek but I do not NEED a PS3 so I, along with millions of others, can wait until Sony has a fire sale unless they get real with their pricing. Very soon.
Sony officially announces $299 PS3 Slim | Crave - CNET
As a consumer, I chose the systems that gave me the best bang for the buck and and the best overall experience (you know what I mean, right?). I would have bought an original 20Gb or 60GB model to get the backward-compatible Emotion engine so I could ditch our PS2 but I was not paying the ridiculous amount of money to get one when the system was released (and they are very hard to find used at a reasonable price, natch). Sony lowered the price on their system but removed the Emotion engine; too little too late.
So will the PS3 Slim finally be the unit that puts Sony in the same playing field as the Wii and the 360? I doubt it. they are still being stupid about things by no lowering the price of the 80GB and 160GB units currently on sale as they clear them out of inventory. That's both stubborn and stupid. Their reasoning? People will buy the old ones out of nostalgia or because they prefer the shape. Are you freaking kidding me?
I want a PS3 because I am a bonified geek but I do not NEED a PS3 so I, along with millions of others, can wait until Sony has a fire sale unless they get real with their pricing. Very soon.
Sony officially announces $299 PS3 Slim | Crave - CNET
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
What's good for the goose is apparently not good for the gander.
Microsoft defends its intellectually properties with a bevy of lawyers; by rights it should. That has led to either acquisitions by Microsoft of an offending company or partnerships (i.e. Novell) with companies that infringed on those rights.
Well, now they are trying to brush off a lawsuit AGAINST them for the exact same practice. They can appeal all they want but someone over there better start selling some stocks to pay for the bill of $294 million and counting.
BBC NEWS | Technology | Judge bans Microsoft Word sales
Well, now they are trying to brush off a lawsuit AGAINST them for the exact same practice. They can appeal all they want but someone over there better start selling some stocks to pay for the bill of $294 million and counting.
BBC NEWS | Technology | Judge bans Microsoft Word sales
Friday, August 07, 2009
The Scene Kano- I'm Ready
Looked this up because we were discussing what song TagTeam's "Whoomp, There It Is" samples for its backbeat. Amazing what hair, clothes and dancing endure today. Also amazing what things, thankfully, did not survive. Holy crap.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
Newfie Millionaire
------------------
Mick appeared on the Newfoundland version of 'Who wants To Be A
Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000.
'You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, but, for
1 Million dollars, you've only one lifeline left, phone-a-friend. Everything is
riding on this question. Will you go for it?'
'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'
'OK. The question is, which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest ?
a)Robin ( b)Sparrow (c)Cuckoo (d)Thrush.
'I hasn't got a clue,' said Mick. 'So I'll use me last lifeline and phone, my friend Paddy
back home in Come-Bye-Chance.' Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances,
and repeated the question to him.
'Fawkin Eh, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's just simple logic....it's a Cuckoo.'
'Are you sure, Paddy?' asked Mick.
'I'm fawkin sure' replied Paddy.
Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, 'I'll go with cuckoo, as me answer.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked the host.
'Dat it is Sir.'
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won $1,000,000.00!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 'Tell me, Paddy?
How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?
I mean, you knows fawk-all about birds.'
'Fer fawks sake!' laughed Paddy. 'Lord tunderin Jaezuz, everybody knows a fawking cuckoo lives in a clock!'
Newfie Millionaire
------------------
Mick appeared on the Newfoundland version of 'Who wants To Be A
Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000.
'You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, but, for
1 Million dollars, you've only one lifeline left, phone-a-friend. Everything is
riding on this question. Will you go for it?'
'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'
'OK. The question is, which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest ?
a)Robin ( b)Sparrow (c)Cuckoo (d)Thrush.
'I hasn't got a clue,' said Mick. 'So I'll use me last lifeline and phone, my friend Paddy
back home in Come-Bye-Chance.' Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances,
and repeated the question to him.
'Fawkin Eh, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's just simple logic....it's a Cuckoo.'
'Are you sure, Paddy?' asked Mick.
'I'm fawkin sure' replied Paddy.
Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, 'I'll go with cuckoo, as me answer.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked the host.
'Dat it is Sir.'
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won $1,000,000.00!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 'Tell me, Paddy?
How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?
I mean, you knows fawk-all about birds.'
'Fer fawks sake!' laughed Paddy. 'Lord tunderin Jaezuz, everybody knows a fawking cuckoo lives in a clock!'
Friday, July 17, 2009
Today's Funny
Submitted by Weeb
-----------------
An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and talks with the old ranch owner. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....on any land. No questions asked. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs....'Your badge! Show him your fucking badge!"
-----------------
An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and talks with the old ranch owner. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....on any land. No questions asked. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs....'Your badge! Show him your fucking badge!"
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Today's Funny
Submitted by DW
---------------
Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness!
And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant?
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.
Can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but she still won't go up to your apartment.
Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies ... but I don't recommend the cookies!
While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What's that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.
---------------
Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness!
And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant?
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.
Can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but she still won't go up to your apartment.
Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies ... but I don't recommend the cookies!
While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What's that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
The Wife Came Home Early
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children?
I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'
And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please .. do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
------------------------
The Wife Came Home Early
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children?
I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'
And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please .. do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Today's Funny
Jessie and Bessie went into a diner and ordered two glasses of water. Then they each unwrapped a tuna sandwich and started to eat. The waitress told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” So they shrugged their shoulders and exchanged sandwiches.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Monday, June 08, 2009
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
Ever wonder how a fight gets started? ......read these.....
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************
My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
***********************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's how the fight started.....
****** ******************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
" No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
***********************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started.....
**************************************************************
------------------------
Ever wonder how a fight gets started? ......read these.....
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************
My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
***********************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's how the fight started.....
****** ******************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
" No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
***********************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started.....
**************************************************************
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Homer's Colonoscopy
One can always count on the Simpson's for having covered a topic of conversation.
Family Guy - Prostate Exam
A bit short in terms of what I'll be experiencing but mainly a super funny episode.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Today's Funny
Submitted by DoubleD
--------------------
Pig Noises
----------
A 1st grade teacher in a Detroit , Michigan elementary school asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.
Little Winston stood up, and said, "Up against the wall, motherfucker!"
--------------------
Pig Noises
----------
A 1st grade teacher in a Detroit , Michigan elementary school asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.
Little Winston stood up, and said, "Up against the wall, motherfucker!"
Sunday, April 26, 2009
The Susan Boyle Story continues.
Yes, Looks Do Matter - NYTimes.com
Thanks to Lady Geek for pointing out this story. I will post the You tube link to Ms. Boyle's performance as well. I will also post the link to Paul Potts, a similarly unlikely star that the NY Times described as "a tubby, dentally challenged, cripplingly shy Welsh cellphone salesman" in this article.
Ciao.
Thanks to Lady Geek for pointing out this story. I will post the You tube link to Ms. Boyle's performance as well. I will also post the link to Paul Potts, a similarly unlikely star that the NY Times described as "a tubby, dentally challenged, cripplingly shy Welsh cellphone salesman" in this article.
Ciao.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'?
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.' The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms . Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
------------------------
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.' The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms . Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
The Dead Husband!
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing...
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
------------------------
The Dead Husband!
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing...
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Centraal Station Antwerpen gaat uit zijn dak!
Sent to me by DoubleD. Besides the fact that I am a sucker for anything associated with The Sound of Music, this is really a visual representation of what a FREE world could and should mean to EVERYONE around the world.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Friday, March 06, 2009
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Monday, March 02, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Today's Funny
Zack: Mom, can I have a car for graduation?
Mom: Only if you get a haircut.
Zack: But didn’t Samson, Moses, and Jesus have long hair?
Mom: Yes, and they walked everywhere they went.
Mom: Only if you get a haircut.
Zack: But didn’t Samson, Moses, and Jesus have long hair?
Mom: Yes, and they walked everywhere they went.
Monday, February 09, 2009
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
Jewish Divorce
A Jewish woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Norm! All he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel.'
Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi- millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?'
------------------------
Jewish Divorce
A Jewish woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Norm! All he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel.'
Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi- millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?'
Friday, February 06, 2009
Today's Funny
Monty got his paycheck on Friday but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with his friends. When he finally ran out of money Sunday night, he returned home. He was confronted by his furious wife, who lectured him for hours about his lack of consideration. Finally she said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he blurted out, “That would be just fine with me!” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he still didn’t see her. Finally on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Today's Funny (and Truth)
Submitted by Penny, edited by Dtrini.
----------------------------------
Robert Whiting, an elderly Canadian gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
'You have been to France before, monsieur?', the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.', the customs officer continued.
The Canadian said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
The officer responded, indignantly, 'Impossible. Canadians always have to show passports on arrival in France!'
The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, 'Well, when I came ashore on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
----------------------------------
Robert Whiting, an elderly Canadian gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
'You have been to France before, monsieur?', the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.', the customs officer continued.
The Canadian said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
The officer responded, indignantly, 'Impossible. Canadians always have to show passports on arrival in France!'
The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, 'Well, when I came ashore on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Keep the jobs in Canada, sign the petition.
Way to go Harper; so glad you are working FOR the Canadian people.
Wear red on fridays, support the troops, support canadian troops, yellow ribbon, red shirts
Wear red on fridays, support the troops, support canadian troops, yellow ribbon, red shirts
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
It's not a loss of faith, just bad business.
I won't waste my time or yours going over what I think about televangelists and their ilk. I won't wax on for long periods about the thieves I think they are and the stupidity of their sheep, sorry, flock.
A woman in the article is quoted as saying that she will find somewhere else to send her $25 monthly donation as she feels lost. Lady you are lost if you think giving a group money to upkeep a large glass building and many overpaid jobs rather than to starving children all over the world and even in your own backyard. Twenty-five dollars a month could be the start of change for someone down on their luck. But no, continue sending it to those who don't need it and obviously are too shallow to care. That's what God wants you to do in this life.
Give me a break.
Ciao.
Family spat divides televangelism empire - Faith- msnbc.com
A woman in the article is quoted as saying that she will find somewhere else to send her $25 monthly donation as she feels lost. Lady you are lost if you think giving a group money to upkeep a large glass building and many overpaid jobs rather than to starving children all over the world and even in your own backyard. Twenty-five dollars a month could be the start of change for someone down on their luck. But no, continue sending it to those who don't need it and obviously are too shallow to care. That's what God wants you to do in this life.
Give me a break.
Ciao.
Family spat divides televangelism empire - Faith- msnbc.com
Riiiiiight! There's no racial bias in America.
A few years ago, Janet Jackson experienced her infamous "wardrobe malfunction" when Justin Timberlake pulled off more than he was supposed to and exposed her breast; for maybe a couple of seconds. That not so little, pierced, BLACK nipple spawned a ban, a hearing, a massive fine, moral outrage, a 7-second broadcast delay, new TV rules and more.
Yet, TWICE now during a Superbowl broadcast (the other was to New Jersey viewers I believe), a WHITE penis has showed up on the screen for more than a couple of seconds and you don't see the FCC fining Comcast or Comcast being banned from showing the Superbowl, on Congress calling Comcast to a hearing or any of the other foolishness that Janet and Justin were subjected to.
Where's the misplaced moral outage against this? We are talking full on PORN and there is no backlash? TWICE. Yep, no racial bias there folks.
Ciao.
Comcast 'mortified' about porn interruption - Super Bowl XLIII- nbcsports.msnbc.com
Yet, TWICE now during a Superbowl broadcast (the other was to New Jersey viewers I believe), a WHITE penis has showed up on the screen for more than a couple of seconds and you don't see the FCC fining Comcast or Comcast being banned from showing the Superbowl, on Congress calling Comcast to a hearing or any of the other foolishness that Janet and Justin were subjected to.
Where's the misplaced moral outage against this? We are talking full on PORN and there is no backlash? TWICE. Yep, no racial bias there folks.
Ciao.
Comcast 'mortified' about porn interruption - Super Bowl XLIII- nbcsports.msnbc.com
Monday, February 02, 2009
Today's Funny - Part Deux
Submitted by BT
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A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."
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A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."
Oh, what a game!
As usually happens at this time of year, DW and I host our annual Superbowl get together. Friends and family are invited to not only watch the game, but to come and socialize and hang out (as, remarkably, not everyone enjoys the NFL). This year, DW outdid herself with her usual contribution, a 7-layer dip. Not sure exatly what was different but it was absolutely perfect and AL and I nearly ate off the entire thing ourselves. Her chili was also up to snuff but I did not add to the naturally heat this year. That would be because the 7-layer had a bit of a kick but mainly because I had a heap of my favourite import, Redsometimes' husband's Double-Burn dip. It was extra cheesy and extra burny this year and, well, let's just say the three produce a perfect storm this morning and leave it at that. :)
I picked the Steelers this year (though I am a long suffering Buffalo Bills fan) and thankfully, literally, they pulled it out in the end. I'm lucky to know that though because believe it or not, I fell asleep after Arizona scored their late 4th quarter touchdown to take the lead. Our guests were leaving so they woke me up and I see ribbons falling on the Steelers jerseys.
FRACK!
But wait, there's more. Thankfully, (ugh! I loathe to say this) we have a Rogers PVR that we were watching on so I was able to rewind back to the Fitzgerald TD and play from there so I did see the whole thing unfold. I would not say it was the greatest game ever but it definitely deserves a top ten placement. Minus some of the stupidest penalty taking EVER, this game had some major highlights: Fitzgerald's go-ahead TD, Arizona coming back from 13 points down, Steelers blowing a 13 point lead in the fourth quarter, a 100-yard, longest ever, interception return for a touchdown, not one but two successful replay challenges, a first appearance by The Boss, the return of Jennifer Hudson to sing the anthem and just a whole lot of heart, grit and sweat spent on the field.
I'd like to thank our guests, Redsomtimes and date, AL and the lovely K, MR and NR, and Wynterluv and the great Peruvian, and the Skibum for coming out and joining us. We're sorry the DoubleD and his DW could not make it out, PS and MS are too CFL loyal (oh yeah, I said it beetaches), Bajan Boy's eye was bothering him (and stones were with his DW) but especially Famine and Devoid as she is recovering from a car accident this past week. Get Well Soon! Oh yeah, almost forgot my cousin, Weeb; still waiting to hear YOUR story for yesterday. :-P
Alrighty, that is it for this subject, on to more items in a few.
Ciao.
I picked the Steelers this year (though I am a long suffering Buffalo Bills fan) and thankfully, literally, they pulled it out in the end. I'm lucky to know that though because believe it or not, I fell asleep after Arizona scored their late 4th quarter touchdown to take the lead. Our guests were leaving so they woke me up and I see ribbons falling on the Steelers jerseys.
FRACK!
But wait, there's more. Thankfully, (ugh! I loathe to say this) we have a Rogers PVR that we were watching on so I was able to rewind back to the Fitzgerald TD and play from there so I did see the whole thing unfold. I would not say it was the greatest game ever but it definitely deserves a top ten placement. Minus some of the stupidest penalty taking EVER, this game had some major highlights: Fitzgerald's go-ahead TD, Arizona coming back from 13 points down, Steelers blowing a 13 point lead in the fourth quarter, a 100-yard, longest ever, interception return for a touchdown, not one but two successful replay challenges, a first appearance by The Boss, the return of Jennifer Hudson to sing the anthem and just a whole lot of heart, grit and sweat spent on the field.
I'd like to thank our guests, Redsomtimes and date, AL and the lovely K, MR and NR, and Wynterluv and the great Peruvian, and the Skibum for coming out and joining us. We're sorry the DoubleD and his DW could not make it out, PS and MS are too CFL loyal (oh yeah, I said it beetaches), Bajan Boy's eye was bothering him (and stones were with his DW) but especially Famine and Devoid as she is recovering from a car accident this past week. Get Well Soon! Oh yeah, almost forgot my cousin, Weeb; still waiting to hear YOUR story for yesterday. :-P
Alrighty, that is it for this subject, on to more items in a few.
Ciao.
Today's Funny
Herb: I hate to brag, but Little Billy was a musical prodigy.
Monty: How so?
Herb: At five, he wrote an opera; at six, he wrote a symphony; and at seven, he wrote a duet for piano and violin.
Monty: Wow! What happened at eight?
Herb: At eight, breakfast was on the table and it was time to get ready for school.
Monty: How so?
Herb: At five, he wrote an opera; at six, he wrote a symphony; and at seven, he wrote a duet for piano and violin.
Monty: Wow! What happened at eight?
Herb: At eight, breakfast was on the table and it was time to get ready for school.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
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