Wednesday, July 05, 2017
Monday, June 19, 2017
Saturday, June 17, 2017
Saturday, October 01, 2016
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
True Confessions with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
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True Confessions with Jennifer Lawrence and John Oliver
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Monday, June 06, 2016
Parliament Funkadelic - Bring The Funk
iframe width 459 height 344 src https://www.youtube.com/embed/gjKFCYzqq-A frameborder 0 allowfullscreen> /iframe>
Thursday, May 05, 2016
Tuesday, May 03, 2016
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Monday, January 25, 2016
Donald Trump campaign sinks to new low: President Obama is a “Negro” and a “half-breed”
http://www.dailynewsbin.com/news/donald-trump-campaign-sinks-to-new-low-president-obama-is-a-negro-and-a-half-breed/23652/
"Trump’s official campaign spokeswoman, Katrina Pierson, took to Twitter to refer to President Obama as being the “head Negro in charge” while lamenting that the United States needs a “pure breed” President instead. When she was later given a chance to walk those comments back, she instead doubled down on them and referred to Obama as a “half breed.”"
Soooo America, this is REALLY who you are telling the world you want to become the next president of the most powerful country in the world? If you think you have enemies now, just wait until you stupidly vote this nutjob into power. And I do people there are enough stupid people who vote that will do this. We fight for our freedom, we fight against oppression and dictatorship, we fight for the right way things should be in the world but then we turn around and consider voting this clown into power? Give yourselves a shake, please!!
For all our sake.
"Trump’s official campaign spokeswoman, Katrina Pierson, took to Twitter to refer to President Obama as being the “head Negro in charge” while lamenting that the United States needs a “pure breed” President instead. When she was later given a chance to walk those comments back, she instead doubled down on them and referred to Obama as a “half breed.”"
Soooo America, this is REALLY who you are telling the world you want to become the next president of the most powerful country in the world? If you think you have enemies now, just wait until you stupidly vote this nutjob into power. And I do people there are enough stupid people who vote that will do this. We fight for our freedom, we fight against oppression and dictatorship, we fight for the right way things should be in the world but then we turn around and consider voting this clown into power? Give yourselves a shake, please!!
For all our sake.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Saturday, January 09, 2016
Is this truly the direction America wants to take?
http://mic.com/articles/132195/donald-trump-supporters-kick-muslim-women-out-of-trump-rally-because-she-s-muslim?utm_source=policymicFB&utm_medium=main&utm_campaign=social#.5KxLbrhSG
http://mic.com/articles/131757/fresno-california-s-first-homicide-victim-of-2016-is-another-sikh-american-man?utm_source=policymicFB&utm_medium=main&utm_campaign=social#.8j9egws9J
http://mic.com/articles/131757/fresno-california-s-first-homicide-victim-of-2016-is-another-sikh-american-man?utm_source=policymicFB&utm_medium=main&utm_campaign=social#.8j9egws9J
Unfortunately, it was only a matter of time.
http://www.metronews.ca/news/canada/2016/01/09/syrian-refugees-pepper-sprayed-at-welcome-night-in-vancouver.html
Has anyone been paying attention? If you have, then this incident does not truly shock you. What shocks you is that something like this took so long to occur. I personally am glad it was only pepper spray because it could have been much, MUCH worse than that.
And that I fear is also inevitable. Some whack job person or group will want to make a point or will simply decide they are doing their duty and do something heinous against innocent people. I hope that I am wrong. I pray that I am wrong. But humans often make me look like Nostradamus.
Has anyone been paying attention? If you have, then this incident does not truly shock you. What shocks you is that something like this took so long to occur. I personally am glad it was only pepper spray because it could have been much, MUCH worse than that.
And that I fear is also inevitable. Some whack job person or group will want to make a point or will simply decide they are doing their duty and do something heinous against innocent people. I hope that I am wrong. I pray that I am wrong. But humans often make me look like Nostradamus.
Killer Mike and Stephen Colbert. Black AND White, not versus.
http://www.upworthy.com/when-colbert-and-a-rap-star-decided-to-speak-for-their-entire-races-the-talk-got-real?c=ufb1
Take a few minutes to watch the video near the bottom to see the clip from the show. Truer words have not recently been spoken than these. Let us make it happen.
Take a few minutes to watch the video near the bottom to see the clip from the show. Truer words have not recently been spoken than these. Let us make it happen.
Depression is a terrible disease.
Any disease or condition is terrifying to live with for both the family
and the patient. Just because someone "looks great" doesn't
mean all is well. Please be kind to each other it really is that simple
💗
💗
Can't say it enough...Many people think that a suicide attempt is a selfish move because the person just does not care about the people left behind. I can tell you that when a person gets to that point, they truly believe that their loved ones will be much better off with them gone.This is mental illness not selfishness. TRUTH: Depression is a terrible disease and seems relentless. A lot of us have been close to that edge, or dealt with family members in a crisis, and some have lost friends and loved ones. Let's look out for each other and stop sweeping mental illness under the rug. If I don't see your name, I'll understand. May I ask my family and friends wherever you might be, to kindly copy and paste this status for one hour to give a moment of support to all those who have family problems, health struggles, job issues, worries of any kind and just need to know that someone cares. Do it for all of us, for nobody is immune. Hope to see this on the walls of all my family and friends just for moral support. I did it for a friend and you can too. You have to copy and paste this one, no sharing.
For ChristineAnn.
mean all is well. Please be kind to each other it really is that simple
💗
💗
Can't say it enough...Many people think that a suicide attempt is a selfish move because the person just does not care about the people left behind. I can tell you that when a person gets to that point, they truly believe that their loved ones will be much better off with them gone.This is mental illness not selfishness. TRUTH: Depression is a terrible disease and seems relentless. A lot of us have been close to that edge, or dealt with family members in a crisis, and some have lost friends and loved ones. Let's look out for each other and stop sweeping mental illness under the rug. If I don't see your name, I'll understand. May I ask my family and friends wherever you might be, to kindly copy and paste this status for one hour to give a moment of support to all those who have family problems, health struggles, job issues, worries of any kind and just need to know that someone cares. Do it for all of us, for nobody is immune. Hope to see this on the walls of all my family and friends just for moral support. I did it for a friend and you can too. You have to copy and paste this one, no sharing.
For ChristineAnn.
Friday, January 08, 2016
All clear in the rear. TMI warning.
So, the day started crappy (sorry, could not resist the pun) as I forgot not one but BOTH of my damn phones at home on the hall bench. I prefer to disconnect when I feel like it. I hate being forcibly disconnected from everything and everybody. It is no longer natural.
Anyhow, I had to get downtown not just for work but also to have a followup with the doctor that performed my colonoscopy. Very nice lady who actually has a good manner about her with patients. Thankfully the news was good and all seven polyps she removed in my December procedure with found to hold no issues. I get to repeat the "fun" as a birthday gift to myself (and my family) in May. Yea me!
On a serious note, I share this with you as most of you are around my age and would rather kill yourself than submit to a colonoscopy session. That is the wrong way of thinking friends. You could very well be saving your life by having the session as things start to go awry when you hit the big 5-0; sooner if you have a family history of cancer. At least go and have the conversation with your family doctor and see what she or he says about it. Two days of discomfort could mean the difference in years on your life.
Peace.
Anyhow, I had to get downtown not just for work but also to have a followup with the doctor that performed my colonoscopy. Very nice lady who actually has a good manner about her with patients. Thankfully the news was good and all seven polyps she removed in my December procedure with found to hold no issues. I get to repeat the "fun" as a birthday gift to myself (and my family) in May. Yea me!
On a serious note, I share this with you as most of you are around my age and would rather kill yourself than submit to a colonoscopy session. That is the wrong way of thinking friends. You could very well be saving your life by having the session as things start to go awry when you hit the big 5-0; sooner if you have a family history of cancer. At least go and have the conversation with your family doctor and see what she or he says about it. Two days of discomfort could mean the difference in years on your life.
Peace.
Wednesday, January 06, 2016
Are you seriously shitting me right now?
http://mic.com/articles/131899/ammon-bundy-compares-oregon-standoff-to-rosa-parks-and-everyone-is-livid?utm_source=policymicFB&utm_medium=main&utm_campaign=social#.woTNIH8xN
I try not to condone violence. In this case, I am willing to look away while someone takes him out.
I try not to condone violence. In this case, I am willing to look away while someone takes him out.
If you have never seen this movie, please stop reading this blog. ;-)
http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/breakfast_club.html
No, seriously. You need to watch the movie for me to continue considering you human. Go now!
No, seriously. You need to watch the movie for me to continue considering you human. Go now!
So we should cry more about terror than our own children, right FOX News?
http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/264872-fox-news-host-obama-used-raw-onion-to-cry
There is such a level of dumb in this video that I do not want to linger on it as it makes me dumber in doing so. Watch it, decide for yourself.
There is such a level of dumb in this video that I do not want to linger on it as it makes me dumber in doing so. Watch it, decide for yourself.
You tell me. Do you see the difference?
http://distractify.com/fyi/2016/01/04/veronica-oregon-standoff?utm_content=inf_10_53_2&tse_id=INF_e022d105dd2445a7abe2a86a34e229fc
This stuff makes me not want to adult today.
This stuff makes me not want to adult today.
Philadelphia. Brotherly love my ass.
http://usuncut.com/news/brownface-mummers-parade-mocks-blm-rally/
I got a bit ill reading the comments posted in this article; a small headache developed as my brain tried to understand how intelligent people get so stupid. This is a shining example of why I could never live in America. That this is actually allowed boggles the mind. That it is sanctioned by the city is exasperating. They say in the comments that people need to move on for things done 100+ years ago but they are too stupid to realize that they are continuing that hate and pain in new forms today so it has never stopped.
I had on my bucket list to visit every major stadium for every major sport. I seriously think I will need an asterix and leave this city out. That is far too much concentrated ignorance for me.
I got a bit ill reading the comments posted in this article; a small headache developed as my brain tried to understand how intelligent people get so stupid. This is a shining example of why I could never live in America. That this is actually allowed boggles the mind. That it is sanctioned by the city is exasperating. They say in the comments that people need to move on for things done 100+ years ago but they are too stupid to realize that they are continuing that hate and pain in new forms today so it has never stopped.
I had on my bucket list to visit every major stadium for every major sport. I seriously think I will need an asterix and leave this city out. That is far too much concentrated ignorance for me.
Sometimes it really is simply black and white.
http://usuncut.com/resistance/bundys-gang-black-bombed-like-move/
So, let me ponder this for a second.
Guy selling cigarettes, unarmed, questions the actions of the police, in a peaceful manner, ends up dead. Black.
Guy is at his own house, unarmed, questions actions of the police who promptly fill him with bullets, ends up dead. Black.
People are in a church worshipping their God, welcome in a stranger, they are unarmed, he is not. Nine of them end up dead. Black. He ends up in a police car and is fed on the way to jail. White.
A group of people take over a FEDERAL building, are armed, tells everyone they are armed AND threatens anyone including law enforcement that tries to remove them. Declares that they will be there for years and invites everyone else like minded to come join them. None of them are dead, none of them are even hurt. Hell, not a single picture has been released of them even being confronted or spoken to. White.
Do you still think we are making this shit up?
So, let me ponder this for a second.
Guy selling cigarettes, unarmed, questions the actions of the police, in a peaceful manner, ends up dead. Black.
Guy is at his own house, unarmed, questions actions of the police who promptly fill him with bullets, ends up dead. Black.
People are in a church worshipping their God, welcome in a stranger, they are unarmed, he is not. Nine of them end up dead. Black. He ends up in a police car and is fed on the way to jail. White.
A group of people take over a FEDERAL building, are armed, tells everyone they are armed AND threatens anyone including law enforcement that tries to remove them. Declares that they will be there for years and invites everyone else like minded to come join them. None of them are dead, none of them are even hurt. Hell, not a single picture has been released of them even being confronted or spoken to. White.
Do you still think we are making this shit up?
I wish I could make this shit up but I cannot.
http://usuncut.com/news/crazy-racist-woman/
Sigh. So, uhm, yeah. "People" like this truly do make me wonder what app has God so distracted that he/she does not just remove them from this place. They do not belong here with the rest of us sane people. They need to go. Now.
Please.
Sigh. So, uhm, yeah. "People" like this truly do make me wonder what app has God so distracted that he/she does not just remove them from this place. They do not belong here with the rest of us sane people. They need to go. Now.
Please.
I am tired of posting these.
http://magazine.good.is/articles/ugly-racist-tirade-lands-man-in-hot-water?utm_source=TSE&utm_medium=FB&utm_campaign=pd&utm_content=inf_10_81_2&tse_id=INF_d987d0196b4846c08c4df5b5cb2c0aa9
Racists. We all have a little prejudice in us. Sometimes it is passed down/learned from our elders. Sometimes it is absorbed from our friends and family. Sometimes our own experiences make us feel a certain way to others not like us. I do not condemn people for those feelings as long as they understand that they cannot paint everyone with the same brush and that it is wrong to act upon them or incite others. Racists do both and are vile excuses for the human kind.
If you watch this video from start to finish, his own words and actions clearly illustrate that his apology later on is pure bullshit. Did he appear that angry to you? Did he appear to not know what he was saying and to whom? Why did he not make chimp noises at anyone else, or call anyone else a monkey or say to anyone else that he may have only ever seen ten before (is that because he has seen a dozen hippies)? Nope, plain and simple he is a disgusting racist pig and got what he deserved. The company may have only acted in order to distance itself but I am fine with that. He can now go work for Mark Furman and his ilk.
Who is the monkey now, asshole?
Racists. We all have a little prejudice in us. Sometimes it is passed down/learned from our elders. Sometimes it is absorbed from our friends and family. Sometimes our own experiences make us feel a certain way to others not like us. I do not condemn people for those feelings as long as they understand that they cannot paint everyone with the same brush and that it is wrong to act upon them or incite others. Racists do both and are vile excuses for the human kind.
If you watch this video from start to finish, his own words and actions clearly illustrate that his apology later on is pure bullshit. Did he appear that angry to you? Did he appear to not know what he was saying and to whom? Why did he not make chimp noises at anyone else, or call anyone else a monkey or say to anyone else that he may have only ever seen ten before (is that because he has seen a dozen hippies)? Nope, plain and simple he is a disgusting racist pig and got what he deserved. The company may have only acted in order to distance itself but I am fine with that. He can now go work for Mark Furman and his ilk.
Who is the monkey now, asshole?
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Friday, May 23, 2014
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Thursday, May 01, 2014
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Today's Funny
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.
David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o’clock Sunday morning .We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times.'
Saturday, February 08, 2014
Facebook has all but killed my blog.
I think it is because it feels redundant to post things here as well as in Facebook. Though, in my blog, where people have to choose to see what I post, I can pretty much say whatever the ass I feel like saying. Don't like it? Don't read my blog. With FB though, I invited people to view my posts so there is a certain amount of self-censorship. I still post a whole lot of shit disturbing comments and posts but not nearly as over the edge as I would here. I guess that answers the question as to why I do not close the blog down. Something inside me knows I need that unfiltered, uncensored outlet still.
2014 may bring back a return to regular blogging. If I can podcast and post the link here then I may start a whole new chapter in my online life. Stay tuned.
2014 may bring back a return to regular blogging. If I can podcast and post the link here then I may start a whole new chapter in my online life. Stay tuned.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
I need to change my look, obviously.
OK, seriously. What about my cold, uncaring, off-putting demeanor screams to people, "Yes, I want nothing more than to engage in conversation with you about things I care less about"? it happens all the time but especially at work. I even go out of my way to not feign interest of any kind and to provide a blank stare of "are you done yet?" It should be obvious to any casual observer that I just want to be left alone to do what I am doing but nope; they persist on in including me in whatever trivial nonsense they think I may want to be included on. Honestly, don't include me. I won't hate you less than I do now. Just let me do my time and go.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Saturday, October 06, 2012
Today's Funny
Submitted by DW
-----------------------
Psychology vs Law
------------------------
A guy asked a girl in a library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?
The guy responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears; "I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”
-----------------------
Psychology vs Law
------------------------
A guy asked a girl in a library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?
The guy responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears; "I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”
Friday, September 14, 2012
Today's Funny
Brought to you by BT from MTL
----------------------------------
So he turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"
----------------------------------
The wife was screaming: "Leave! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" -
As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" -
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
-------------------------
Slip Out Early
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
-------------------------
Slip Out Early
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL (so don't shoot the messenger my Newfie friends).
------------------------------------- YOUR MORNING SMILE
Two Newfies shopping.
Tom and Mick were walking along a street in Toronto.
Mick looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $6.50 per pair."
Mick said to his buddy, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to St, John's could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thickos from Newfoundland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best accent."
"Right y'are Mick, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business," said Tom.
They go in and Mick said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at $10.00 each, 100 shirts at $4.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $6.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Newfoundland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Mick. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."
Tom and Mick were walking along a street in Toronto.
Mick looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $6.50 per pair."
Mick said to his buddy, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to St, John's could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thickos from Newfoundland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best accent."
"Right y'are Mick, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business," said Tom.
They go in and Mick said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at $10.00 each, 100 shirts at $4.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $6.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Newfoundland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Mick. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
----------------------------------------
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
----------------------------------------
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Monday, June 04, 2012
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
A Handy Man
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ENERGY AUSTRALIA WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO." FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO." FINE, SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK!"
"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T TO WANT TO FIX STEPS", HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO! DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
------------------------
A Handy Man
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ENERGY AUSTRALIA WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO." FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO." FINE, SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK!"
"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T TO WANT TO FIX STEPS", HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO! DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
------------------------
The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Today's Funnies (Groans?)
Submitted by Marsha Marsha Marsha
----------------------------------
A collection of puns
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, “I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don't you know who I am?
I am the king!”
Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire ... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, “Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!”
The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient.”
4. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- “He who has a Tate's is lost!”
5. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
6. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
7. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
8. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas.”
----------------------------------
A collection of puns
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, “I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don't you know who I am?
I am the king!”
Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire ... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, “Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!”
The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient.”
4. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- “He who has a Tate's is lost!”
5. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
6. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
7. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
8. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas.”
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL.
---------------------------
Tablets
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm still looking for a place to live.
---------------------------
Tablets
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm still looking for a place to live.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
First Funnies of the Year
Submitted by the Mad English
----------------------------
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'.
I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?'
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak!!!
----------------------------
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'.
I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?'
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak!!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Today's Funnies
Brought to you by BT from MTL.
------------------------------
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
-------------------
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
------------------------------
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
-------------------
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Today's Funny
Submitted by Roxanne Roxanne
----------------------------
Nothing like Nature: Joke of the day....
Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25 years they had spent together. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well-known 'happy going marriage'.
Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?'
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We went to Mexico for our honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, 'This is your first time'. She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. She again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?'
She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: 'This is your first time!!!'
----------------------------
Nothing like Nature: Joke of the day....
Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25 years they had spent together. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well-known 'happy going marriage'.
Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?'
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We went to Mexico for our honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, 'This is your first time'. She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. She again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?'
She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: 'This is your first time!!!'
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
Subject: Indian Cab Driver
A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a location in Palm Springs Ca.
The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.
"What's wrong with you, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".
"Well if you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."
------------------------
Subject: Indian Cab Driver
A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a location in Palm Springs Ca.
The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.
"What's wrong with you, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".
"Well if you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
The New Dentures
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
Don't shoot the messenger
------------------------
The New Dentures
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
Don't shoot the messenger
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Today's Funny
Submitted by Tom Thumb
----------------------
First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you must not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger, but sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay attention."
----------------------
First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you must not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger, but sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay attention."
Monday, August 29, 2011
Today's Funny (xxx)
Submitted by BT from MTL
-----------------------------
DO YOU HAVE A VAGINA?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina'?
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it.'
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question, 'Do you have vagina'?
'Yes' she says.
The man replies, 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'
-----------------------------
DO YOU HAVE A VAGINA?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina'?
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it.'
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question, 'Do you have vagina'?
'Yes' she says.
The man replies, 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
TBD
Whatever title you read above was written after I started writing the post. I drew a complete blank as to what title properly conveys all my thoughts and right now I've got nothing. There is simply too much floating around this old nogging from the recent events.
On Saturday July 9th 2011 at6:49PM, my father quietly passed away at Sunnybrook hospital. He was surrounded by me and my three siblings, our mother, family and friends. He was 73 years old, had battled a number of health issues over the years, but had lived a full life which was unfortunately cut short by a freak accident and post-op complications.
Hard to think. Pausing this blog post.
On Saturday July 9th 2011 at6:49PM, my father quietly passed away at Sunnybrook hospital. He was surrounded by me and my three siblings, our mother, family and friends. He was 73 years old, had battled a number of health issues over the years, but had lived a full life which was unfortunately cut short by a freak accident and post-op complications.
Hard to think. Pausing this blog post.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
-------------------------
Two Italians on a bus - NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!"
NOTE: $5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
Enjoy life now - it has an expiration date!!
-------------------------
Two Italians on a bus - NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!"
NOTE: $5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
Enjoy life now - it has an expiration date!!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
No Toilet Paper
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom. She said yes.
When he went to wipe his butt there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get
scared away."
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked
him, "What do you have in your hand?"
The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands
he'll get scared away."
The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"
He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did,you scared the shit out of him!"
------------------------
No Toilet Paper
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom. She said yes.
When he went to wipe his butt there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get
scared away."
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked
him, "What do you have in your hand?"
The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands
he'll get scared away."
The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"
He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did,you scared the shit out of him!"
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
Manners At The Beach
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself!"
------------------------
Manners At The Beach
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself!"
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Today's Funny
Submitted by Cyclebabe
----------------------
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat
and One says to the other, "I hear that the people
of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and
they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please! ," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige,
wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers
cautiously.
"What part did you get"?
----------------------
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat
and One says to the other, "I hear that the people
of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and
they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please! ," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige,
wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers
cautiously.
"What part did you get"?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
Can you relate to this?
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
------------------------
Can you relate to this?
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
GO Adventures: An extended post
Normally I FB this missive but I needed more space to properly explain today's level of ignorance. I had plenty of time to make the 7:15AM train this morning so I was in no particular rush as I made my way into the station and down into the tunnel that leads to the train platform.
For convenience, and eventually cash savings, I signed up for the Presto card which allows me to swipe a card (like you do your PayPass credit cards) against a reader and be on my way with the payment deducted from my prepaid amount. A gentleman was at the first device as I approached so I adjusted my speed accordingly as I positioned myself to be next at the reader. I then stopped, swiped my card and turned to leave.
This blond beeyatch to my right, reaches around me to swipe her card. What's the big deal you ask? There are THREE other readers within five feet of each other, none of which are open. She doesn't say excuse me, sorry, nothing; she just walks off. I mutter allowed, "Stupid People!" at which point she spins back towards me with this look of disgust on her face and yells to me, "Seriously??!?!"
I answer her with an equally loud, "Seriously!!!!"
She then has the audacity to say to me, "Well, you don't just stop like that in front of someone!" Uhm, you can not wave the card AT the machine it must actually touch the reader so yes, you basically have to come to a quick halt and then continue on. Anyone that uses the reader knows this.
As still not feeling well and in no mood to have this stupid twit get away this infraction, I make sure everyone in the vicinity heard me clearly when I yelled at her, "YOU ARE A MORON!!!"
I think the looks from everyone was enough for her to think she best just make her way up to the platform. If not for wanting to remain in some semblance of cultured society, I would have uttered the rest of what I was thinking at the time and make her truly have something to think about for the rest of the day.
Locked and loaded people. Bring it on.
For convenience, and eventually cash savings, I signed up for the Presto card which allows me to swipe a card (like you do your PayPass credit cards) against a reader and be on my way with the payment deducted from my prepaid amount. A gentleman was at the first device as I approached so I adjusted my speed accordingly as I positioned myself to be next at the reader. I then stopped, swiped my card and turned to leave.
This blond beeyatch to my right, reaches around me to swipe her card. What's the big deal you ask? There are THREE other readers within five feet of each other, none of which are open. She doesn't say excuse me, sorry, nothing; she just walks off. I mutter allowed, "Stupid People!" at which point she spins back towards me with this look of disgust on her face and yells to me, "Seriously??!?!"
I answer her with an equally loud, "Seriously!!!!"
She then has the audacity to say to me, "Well, you don't just stop like that in front of someone!" Uhm, you can not wave the card AT the machine it must actually touch the reader so yes, you basically have to come to a quick halt and then continue on. Anyone that uses the reader knows this.
As still not feeling well and in no mood to have this stupid twit get away this infraction, I make sure everyone in the vicinity heard me clearly when I yelled at her, "YOU ARE A MORON!!!"
I think the looks from everyone was enough for her to think she best just make her way up to the platform. If not for wanting to remain in some semblance of cultured society, I would have uttered the rest of what I was thinking at the time and make her truly have something to think about for the rest of the day.
Locked and loaded people. Bring it on.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
No more promises
I know I have been a very bad blogger, and I apologize to the few of you left you give a crap about whether I write anything new or not. It's not for lack of wanting to continue is more times than not being overwhelmed with what I want to say, then having to censor myself because I need to think of my job or my family or other issues. Freedom of Speech is not what it used to be and in today's climate, the wrong words can literally get you killed.
In any case, I will be once again attempting to regularly blog as I routinely run out of room on Facebook and Twitter for the venom I want to spew. Stay tuned. :)
Moi
In any case, I will be once again attempting to regularly blog as I routinely run out of room on Facebook and Twitter for the venom I want to spew. Stay tuned. :)
Moi
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Today's (very) Funny, with a dose of truth/usefulness
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
Greek Philosophy --- As pertinent today as 399 BC !!
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife!
------------------------
Greek Philosophy --- As pertinent today as 399 BC !!
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife!
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
Today's Funny
As almost always, submitted by BT from MTL.
-------------------------------------------
British humor....
These are classified ads which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard..
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't
have a headache and sex at the same time?"
-------------------------------------------
British humor....
These are classified ads which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard..
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't
have a headache and sex at the same time?"
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Today's Funny
Submitted by BTL from MTL
-------------------------
FIRST TIME SEX
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to
meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is
such a big event,the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time
and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no
movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist.'
-------------------------
FIRST TIME SEX
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to
meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is
such a big event,the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time
and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no
movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist.'
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
Amish elevator
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again...
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go get your mother."
------------------------
Amish elevator
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again...
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go get your mother."
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Today's Funnies
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
Quick thinker -
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
In the back was a large pond that was ideal for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices voices raised in laughter.
A bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked.'
Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
-----------------------------------
A Love Story For the Season -
I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now get your mind out of the gutter and, go get your flu shot!
------------------------
Quick thinker -
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
In the back was a large pond that was ideal for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices voices raised in laughter.
A bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked.'
Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
-----------------------------------
A Love Story For the Season -
I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now get your mind out of the gutter and, go get your flu shot!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Today's Funny (please don't shoot the messenger)
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
Plane To Toronto
A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in Economy class gets up and moves to the first class Section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry." and returns back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her first class isn't going to Toronto".
------------------------
Plane To Toronto
A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in Economy class gets up and moves to the first class Section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry." and returns back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her first class isn't going to Toronto".
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
The IRS vs Grandpa
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!
------------------------
The IRS vs Grandpa
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED ! ! !
My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"while we were in bed.
I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then asked, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing at 40 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and learned that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said,
"I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started....
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife,
"who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started....
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replied,
"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
------------------------
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED ! ! !
My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"while we were in bed.
I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then asked, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing at 40 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and learned that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said,
"I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started....
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife,
"who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started....
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replied,
"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL.
-------------------------
WELFARE
A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.Because of the long hours, meals will be provided, and you'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."
"This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job ssignment satisfying her ...'urges' as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, stammers, "You're bullshittin' me!".
The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."
-------------------------
WELFARE
A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.Because of the long hours, meals will be provided, and you'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."
"This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job ssignment satisfying her ...'urges' as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, stammers, "You're bullshittin' me!".
The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."
Friday, August 20, 2010
Today's Funny (For Trekkies)
Submitted by a cool dude at work. A little dated but still funny (for us Trekkies anyhow).
--------------------------------------------
Top 12 Things A Klingon Programmer Would Say
12. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if
Iam to do battle with this code!
10. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
original Klingon.
9. Indentation?! -- I will show you how to indent when I indent your
skull!
8. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software'
releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers
and quality assurance people in its wake.
7. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -- they have
'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
6. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the
weak.
5. I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth
contest. They will not concern us again.
4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
3. By filing this SPR you have challenged the honor of my family.
Prepare to die!
2. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you
stand!
1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software. Ship it!
Ship it, and let them flee like the dogs they are!
--------------------------------------------
Top 12 Things A Klingon Programmer Would Say
12. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if
Iam to do battle with this code!
10. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
original Klingon.
9. Indentation?! -- I will show you how to indent when I indent your
skull!
8. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software'
releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers
and quality assurance people in its wake.
7. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -- they have
'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
6. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the
weak.
5. I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth
contest. They will not concern us again.
4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
3. By filing this SPR you have challenged the honor of my family.
Prepare to die!
2. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you
stand!
1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software. Ship it!
Ship it, and let them flee like the dogs they are!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
In Memory of Dian Price
There are people on this planet that touch you and you do not know it. There are those that touch you that you wish did not. And there are those that touch you and somehow, profoundly, leave their mark on you forever. Dian Price's legacy will be felt for a long time. I am but a third-party observer in the grand scheme of things but the image is a lasting one. To be genuinely treated and welcomed in as family from first contact is an awesome feeling. Through her son, Dave, I've gained a friend for life that I know without hesitation that I can always count on. Through her grandchildren, especially Jennifer (whom I regard like my own daughter), I am privileged to experience their growth and triumphs in life. Through her husband of 50+ years, I get to experience the strength of love and the bond of family.
These things are immeasurable, intangible, and unimaginably precious. I appreciate having been a part, however brief, of Dian's life and can only work hard, and hope, that when my time comes to pass, I will have as many people looking favourably upon how I touched their lives.
Rest In Peace, Dian. You will be missed but you will never be forgotten.
These things are immeasurable, intangible, and unimaginably precious. I appreciate having been a part, however brief, of Dian's life and can only work hard, and hope, that when my time comes to pass, I will have as many people looking favourably upon how I touched their lives.
Rest In Peace, Dian. You will be missed but you will never be forgotten.
Today's Funny
Ouch, been a while oh poor neglected blog page.
Submitted by Tom Thumb.
------------------------------------------------
Ever wondered about Guts or Balls...?
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: "You're next, fatty."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Submitted by Tom Thumb.
------------------------------------------------
Ever wondered about Guts or Balls...?
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: "You're next, fatty."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Today`s Long Weekend Funny
Submitted by The Finn.
----------------------
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer .
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
----------------------
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer .
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sony has finally lost their Vulcan mind!
Sony Zaps PlayStation 3 'Install Other OS' Feature - PCWorld
One commenter on their blog or somewhere said it the best... How the hell do you justify removing a feature that is written ON the box that you sold people??!?! I hope Sony has set aside a nice fund and their international lawyers time and resources because this is going to be a legal battle royale. I will be utterly shocked if several class action suits are not brought against Sony to prevent this foolishness from happening. They will stupidly underestimate that only the uber geeks will care about this feature. What they fail to realize is that everyone with a phat PS3 will be pissed off that they can take away paid for features on a whim without asking.
Imagine other companies doing this to you. You buy that shiny new hybrid from Ford or Toyota and the next morning, the lithium batteries are missing. You buy that house with the ocean-view and wake up to facing a mountainside. You buy a mixed drink and the "mix" is absent. You get the picture. I could go on and on but the simple fact is that you would not tolerate any of those scenarios so none of us should tolerate this from Sony. They are the masters at screwing with their customers (remember the rootkit CD fiasco?) and they are the masters are trying to push proprietary crap upon the public against established standards (take your pick: Betamax, Mini-Disc, Memory Stick, etc.).
I truly hope smarter heads prevail but the history of the Sony Corporation is that they will dig their heals in like petulant children to try and get their way. What they will end of doing is seeing a mass sale of the old PS3s, a sharp reduction in sales of the new PS3s, a general boycott of all things Sony and a MOUNTAIN to climb to get back to respectability (if that is even still possible). Sony, you make some really, REALLY nice (and overpriced) products. Don't f**k your customers and in turn f**k yourselves by doing something this stupid.
Just. DON'T. Do. It.
Peace.
One commenter on their blog or somewhere said it the best... How the hell do you justify removing a feature that is written ON the box that you sold people??!?! I hope Sony has set aside a nice fund and their international lawyers time and resources because this is going to be a legal battle royale. I will be utterly shocked if several class action suits are not brought against Sony to prevent this foolishness from happening. They will stupidly underestimate that only the uber geeks will care about this feature. What they fail to realize is that everyone with a phat PS3 will be pissed off that they can take away paid for features on a whim without asking.
Imagine other companies doing this to you. You buy that shiny new hybrid from Ford or Toyota and the next morning, the lithium batteries are missing. You buy that house with the ocean-view and wake up to facing a mountainside. You buy a mixed drink and the "mix" is absent. You get the picture. I could go on and on but the simple fact is that you would not tolerate any of those scenarios so none of us should tolerate this from Sony. They are the masters at screwing with their customers (remember the rootkit CD fiasco?) and they are the masters are trying to push proprietary crap upon the public against established standards (take your pick: Betamax, Mini-Disc, Memory Stick, etc.).
I truly hope smarter heads prevail but the history of the Sony Corporation is that they will dig their heals in like petulant children to try and get their way. What they will end of doing is seeing a mass sale of the old PS3s, a sharp reduction in sales of the new PS3s, a general boycott of all things Sony and a MOUNTAIN to climb to get back to respectability (if that is even still possible). Sony, you make some really, REALLY nice (and overpriced) products. Don't f**k your customers and in turn f**k yourselves by doing something this stupid.
Just. DON'T. Do. It.
Peace.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Today's Funny
Sent in by Skibum from Whitby
-----------------------------
Subject: Life explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes
in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll
give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years....
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me
my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
-----------------------------
Subject: Life explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes
in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll
give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years....
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me
my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by LB from OTT.
-------------------------
Morris
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the Husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... Just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
Tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... You don't!'
-------------------------
Morris
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the Husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... Just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
Tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... You don't!'
Monday, March 15, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
TALKING CLOCK
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off
his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way
to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!
------------------------
TALKING CLOCK
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off
his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way
to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Today's Funnies
Submitted by BT from MTL.
-------------------------
LADY'S YEARLY EXAM
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I
was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.
---------------------------------
Why Women Lie
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.'
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
-------------------------
LADY'S YEARLY EXAM
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I
was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.
---------------------------------
Why Women Lie
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.'
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
iPad Killer? Close but no cigar.
JooJoo
The screen is bigger, it has a webcam and microphone, the connections are more, the idea is sound... but the execution falls short. To have a Net-based OS (i.e. cloud computing) when that vision has failed miserably simply because one can not get access everywhere is a mistake. To not have built-in applications when your competitor has a fully functional operating system with free apps is short-sighted. To not have a reasonable base of applications ready for the release date and no applications purchase avenue (i.e. App Store) is suicidal. I will not be buying an Apple iPad because it lacks many items I want in a tablet (webcam, microphone, infra-red, SDHC slot, mini-HDMI, etc.). However, if I wanted or needed such a device, I would buy the Apple one well before I bought the JooJoo simply because I can do more out of the box with the Apple unit the moment i turn it on and, I don't need Internet access in order to start doing anything. Sorry JooJoo, you have a good foundation but you need to get up to snuff and quick or you will be regulated to a footnote as yet another challenger to the Apple throne that failed to dislodge them from their mighty perch.
Peace
The screen is bigger, it has a webcam and microphone, the connections are more, the idea is sound... but the execution falls short. To have a Net-based OS (i.e. cloud computing) when that vision has failed miserably simply because one can not get access everywhere is a mistake. To not have built-in applications when your competitor has a fully functional operating system with free apps is short-sighted. To not have a reasonable base of applications ready for the release date and no applications purchase avenue (i.e. App Store) is suicidal. I will not be buying an Apple iPad because it lacks many items I want in a tablet (webcam, microphone, infra-red, SDHC slot, mini-HDMI, etc.). However, if I wanted or needed such a device, I would buy the Apple one well before I bought the JooJoo simply because I can do more out of the box with the Apple unit the moment i turn it on and, I don't need Internet access in order to start doing anything. Sorry JooJoo, you have a good foundation but you need to get up to snuff and quick or you will be regulated to a footnote as yet another challenger to the Apple throne that failed to dislodge them from their mighty perch.
Peace
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL.
The Talking Dog
---------------
A guy was driving around the back roads of up-state New York when he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '.
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ?
'Do You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the Australian Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'
'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down'.
'I retired from the Corps (eight dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is totally amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a liar... He never did any of that crap. ..'
The Talking Dog
---------------
A guy was driving around the back roads of up-state New York when he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '.
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ?
'Do You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the Australian Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'
'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down'.
'I retired from the Corps (eight dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is totally amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a liar... He never did any of that crap. ..'
Friday, February 12, 2010
If your Windows 7 installation is, er, questionable, you need this link.
OK, so you've been "test driving" WIndows 7. For a while now. Since it was released to retail. Permanently.
Well, you knew the boys at Redmond were not going to stand for that much longer. So, be prepared for the start of the war between M$ and everyone else as the son of Genuine Activation, now known as WAT, comes rolling through to check things out. They say it will be "optionally" but we will see how long that lasts.
Personally, this is the first Windows since WFW 3.11 and WIndows 98SE that I am willing to pay for. The choice is yours though so be forearmed as you are now forewarned.
Peace.
http://arstechnica.com/microsoft/news/2010/02/new-windows-7-antipiracy-update-to-phone-home-regularly.ars
Well, you knew the boys at Redmond were not going to stand for that much longer. So, be prepared for the start of the war between M$ and everyone else as the son of Genuine Activation, now known as WAT, comes rolling through to check things out. They say it will be "optionally" but we will see how long that lasts.
Personally, this is the first Windows since WFW 3.11 and WIndows 98SE that I am willing to pay for. The choice is yours though so be forearmed as you are now forewarned.
Peace.
http://arstechnica.com/microsoft/news/2010/02/new-windows-7-antipiracy-update-to-phone-home-regularly.ars
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