Tuesday morning funnies

Submitted by AL
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Subject: Fw: Coming home drunk

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function.

He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!!".

Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless
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*Encounter on a Train - This is too funny*

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Canadian Rockies were an American guy, a Canadian guy, a little old Greek lady, and a young blond girl with large breasts. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the American has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

*The old Greek lady thinks:*
The American guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

*The blond girl thinks:*
That American guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

*The American thinks: *
The Canadian guy must have groped the blond in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

*The Canadian thinks: *
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the American again.

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Submitted by BT from MTL
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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it, and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him so he asked her what was wrong.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."