Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL

Newfie Millionaire

Mick appeared on the Newfoundland version of 'Who wants To Be A
Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000.

'You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, but, for
1 Million dollars, you've only one lifeline left, phone-a-friend. Everything is
riding on this question. Will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'

'OK. The question is, which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest ?
a)Robin ( b)Sparrow (c)Cuckoo (d)Thrush.

'I hasn't got a clue,' said Mick. 'So I'll use me last lifeline and phone, my friend Paddy
back home in Come-Bye-Chance.' Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances,
and repeated the question to him.

'Fawkin Eh, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's just simple's a Cuckoo.'

'Are you sure, Paddy?' asked Mick.

'I'm fawkin sure' replied Paddy.

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, 'I'll go with cuckoo, as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked the host.

'Dat it is Sir.'

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won $1,000,000.00!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 'Tell me, Paddy?
How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?
I mean, you knows fawk-all about birds.'

'Fer fawks sake!' laughed Paddy. 'Lord tunderin Jaezuz, everybody knows a fawking cuckoo lives in a clock!'

Friday, July 17, 2009

Some more funnys stuff.

Today's Funny

Submitted by Weeb

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and talks with the old ranch owner. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer.

'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....on any land. No questions asked. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs....'Your badge! Show him your fucking badge!"

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Today's Funny

Submitted by DW

Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness!
And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant?
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

Can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but she still won't go up to your apartment.

Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies ... but I don't recommend the cookies!

While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What's that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL

The Wife Came Home Early

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children?
I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'

And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please .. do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Today's Funny

Jessie and Bessie went into a diner and ordered two glasses of water. Then they each unwrapped a tuna sandwich and started to eat. The waitress told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” So they shrugged their shoulders and exchanged sandwiches.