Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Today's Funnies

Brought to you by BT from MTL.

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Today's Funny

Submitted by Roxanne Roxanne

Nothing like Nature: Joke of the day....

Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25 years they had spent together. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well-known 'happy going marriage'.

Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?'

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We went to Mexico for our honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.

Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, 'This is your first time'. She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. She again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!

I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?'

She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: 'This is your first time!!!'

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL

Subject: Indian Cab Driver

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a location in Palm Springs Ca.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL

The New Dentures

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

Don't shoot the messenger

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Today's Funny

Submitted by Tom Thumb

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you must not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger, but sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay attention."

Monday, August 29, 2011

Today's Funny (xxx)

Submitted by BT from MTL


A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina'?

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it.'

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question, 'Do you have vagina'?

'Yes' she says.

The man replies, 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Monday, July 11, 2011


Whatever title you read above was written after I started writing the post. I drew a complete blank as to what title properly conveys all my thoughts and right now I've got nothing. There is simply too much floating around this old nogging from the recent events.

On Saturday July 9th 2011 at6:49PM, my father quietly passed away at Sunnybrook hospital. He was surrounded by me and my three siblings, our mother, family and friends. He was 73 years old, had battled a number of health issues over the years, but had lived a full life which was unfortunately cut short by a freak accident and post-op complications.

Hard to think. Pausing this blog post.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL

Two Italians on a bus - NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!"

NOTE: $5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

Enjoy life now - it has an expiration date!!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL

No Toilet Paper

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom. She said yes.

When he went to wipe his butt there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get
scared away."

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked
him, "What do you have in your hand?"

The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands
he'll get scared away."

The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"

He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did,you scared the shit out of him!"

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL

Manners At The Beach

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself!"

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Today's Funny

Submitted by Cyclebabe

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat
and One says to the other, "I hear that the people
of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and
they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please! ," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige,
wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers

"What part did you get"?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL

Can you relate to this?

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

GO Adventures: An extended post

Normally I FB this missive but I needed more space to properly explain today's level of ignorance. I had plenty of time to make the 7:15AM train this morning so I was in no particular rush as I made my way into the station and down into the tunnel that leads to the train platform.

For convenience, and eventually cash savings, I signed up for the Presto card which allows me to swipe a card (like you do your PayPass credit cards) against a reader and be on my way with the payment deducted from my prepaid amount. A gentleman was at the first device as I approached so I adjusted my speed accordingly as I positioned myself to be next at the reader. I then stopped, swiped my card and turned to leave.

This blond beeyatch to my right, reaches around me to swipe her card. What's the big deal you ask? There are THREE other readers within five feet of each other, none of which are open. She doesn't say excuse me, sorry, nothing; she just walks off. I mutter allowed, "Stupid People!" at which point she spins back towards me with this look of disgust on her face and yells to me, "Seriously??!?!"

I answer her with an equally loud, "Seriously!!!!"

She then has the audacity to say to me, "Well, you don't just stop like that in front of someone!" Uhm, you can not wave the card AT the machine it must actually touch the reader so yes, you basically have to come to a quick halt and then continue on. Anyone that uses the reader knows this.

As still not feeling well and in no mood to have this stupid twit get away this infraction, I make sure everyone in the vicinity heard me clearly when I yelled at her, "YOU ARE A MORON!!!"

I think the looks from everyone was enough for her to think she best just make her way up to the platform. If not for wanting to remain in some semblance of cultured society, I would have uttered the rest of what I was thinking at the time and make her truly have something to think about for the rest of the day.

Locked and loaded people. Bring it on.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

No more promises

I know I have been a very bad blogger, and I apologize to the few of you left you give a crap about whether I write anything new or not. It's not for lack of wanting to continue is more times than not being overwhelmed with what I want to say, then having to censor myself because I need to think of my job or my family or other issues. Freedom of Speech is not what it used to be and in today's climate, the wrong words can literally get you killed.

In any case, I will be once again attempting to regularly blog as I routinely run out of room on Facebook and Twitter for the venom I want to spew. Stay tuned. :)


Thursday, February 10, 2011

Today's (very) Funny, with a dose of truth/usefulness

Submitted by BT from MTL
Greek Philosophy --- As pertinent today as 399 BC !!

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife!

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Today's Funny

As almost always, submitted by BT from MTL.

British humor....

These are classified ads which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

8 years old.
Hateful little bastard..

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't
have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Today's Funny

Submitted by BTL from MTL


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to

meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is

such a big event,the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first

time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an

hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about

condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time

and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so

excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no

movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,

'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea

your father was a pharmacist.'