Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT


My internal medicine doctor got me a referral to a urologist.

I went yesterday.

Holy Crap, she's beautiful and unbelievably sexy!

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, "Because I am trying to examine you."

Today's Funny

Submitted by Penny

Apple Announcement

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The i-Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size. This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Today's Funny

Submitted by SmallIslandGirl

After an exciting hot, nice and rejuvenating 69 with his girlfriend, Johnny remembers that he has an appointment with his dentist that evening.

He was afraid that his dentist would notice the smell of pums in his mouth, so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times and on top of that he used 5 liters of listerine.

As he arrived at his dentist office, he sucked 5 mint candies. His turn then came up so he was welcomed in by his dentist, who told Johnny to have a seat on the chair.
Feeling confident & well relaxed he opened his mouth wide.

The dentist got close enough to his mouth and said:

-'Man, why yuh do 69 before yuh come to mi office?'

-What's up Doc? Does my mouth smell like pums?

-No, yuh mouth smell good, but yuh forehead smell like batty.

HDTV? Do your research!!

Who needs Blu-ray when you have DVD?

I am one of the somewhat early adopters in the HD race. My wife had the opportunity to purchase a Toshiba HD-DVD player in the US when she was there. It came with seven free, decent movies so basically for the prices of the movies, we got a free player; or vice-versa. Regardless, we got a nice unit and some movies that also plays DVDs (but sadly not Divx or MP3s). Shortly after that, the boom dropped, the studios wilted and Toshiba folded shop. Was I pissed? Actually, not really because I wanted a smaller DVD player anyhow, got free movies to boot, a nice looking and capable unit, and sent no money to Sony's greedy, sniveling, weasly coffers. OK, I admit I am a tad bitter than Sony (hello people, hidden rootkit on audio CDs, remember?) basically won the hi-def wars but I also knew they were getting their premier Blu-ray player, the venerable Playstation PS3, kicked around the sandlot by the Xbox 360 and most favourably by the Nintendo Wii (two or three to one in Japan I believe). People are not readily adopting the new standard for the simple reason that it will cost them far too much to enjoy it.

When we first stepped up from cable TV, we bought a Pioneer DVD player (which we still have and use because the damn thing is built like a tank) to connect to our JVC 32" television. If that is your average family scenario today (which it is), then that means buying a $500 Blu-ray player, plus a $1500 HDTV 46" televison, plus a $1000 surround sound stereo, PLUS a replacement for the 300 DVDs in the collection. At $20 each, the Blu-ray replacement cost would be $6000. Everyone knows that the Blu-ray discs typically cost $25-50 so I am being very conservative for this comparison. So, $9000 later, the average family will be able to enjoy all the hype of high definition viewing?!?!?!? And they continue to wonder why it is not adopted faster?

Our collection, insanely yes, amounts to over 1500 DVD titles at the moment. Yes, yes, I know; I have an illness. We mainly stick to boxed sets nowadays to keep costs down. Anyhow, this isn't about my hobby/illness. The point is, there is no %&$*^% way I am paying to replace all those DVDs. Further, legal/moral or not, I have the option to back up all those DVDs so that I can keep my originals in a safe spot. While I technically can do so with Blu-ray (YES, both high-def, secure standards were broken within months of their release), the cost of storage, time, media and hardware is greatly prohibitive. So, we are back to if you break it, buy a new one. Hmmmm. How about "nooooo"?

So, is this new Toshiba unit, promising HD-like quality from your lowly DVD stash a big scam? No, I think the writer has nailed it on the head. This is a big "screw you" to Sony and all the Blu-ray backers and bandwagon jumpers. Toshiba may have stumbled and screwed their HD-DVD standard but they have definitely got a grasp on us DVD collectors. We like our DVDs and we are not even close to being ready to part with it or cough up the coin to replace it with a new standard/medium. So, any technology to help us reduce the cost of playing in the high-def arena is very welcome. We can buy the TV and stereo and this new player and be able to enjoy our DVDs while showing off to our friends at a much lower price point. Anyone that thinks that won't fly with the consumer has never been to a Boxing Day sale or does not work for a living to earn their keep. Will it kill the forward march towards Blu-ray or some other high-def system? Absolutely not. Will it royally crimp the current crop's style? Oh hell yeah and I will gladly pony up some ducats to help in that cause.


Toshiba's XDE DVD Player: A Threat to Blu-ray?

Today's funny

Submitted by DoubleD

The International Council of Manlaws, Limited, presents.Rules for Guys.

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may be flatulent in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.


"It is better to be hated for what you are, than loved for what you are not."
-Andre Gide

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

How in the world is a bare breast a "bad" thing?

Ok, I will say off the bat that a man's breast and a woman's breast cannot be compared as equal. There is obviously a sexual component to the breast of a woman because of the fact that throughout time, women have been forced to hide and cover the vessel of nuturing. Despite the recent changes in laws throughout the world (it is legal for a woman to be publicly topless in Ontario). it is not a simple matter of two mammaries being exposed. While a bare-chested man may be attractive to certain people, that is usually if it is in realitively decent shape. Pretty much show any shape or size of a woman's chest and there will be a line of men wanting to see it as it provides titillation regardless of true sexual attraction. Does that make it pornography? Absolutley not and those ignorant protesters should do their homework before claiming as such. There are child molesters out there that have not seen a breast since infancy that do what they do because they are simply depraved; not because the almighty breast drove them to it.

Tackle the issue at its root and for its actual symptoms and people may pay attention instead of sweeping you aside to get a better look at the parade.


CANOE -- CNEWS - Weird News: Bare breasts parade gridlocks city

Monday, August 18, 2008

A different side of a typical American.

The Olympics are supposed a time and area where politics and learned hatreds are suspended while the pureness if the pursuit of perfection is allowed to carry on. It happened when the Nazis were seemingly in power and it continues today as so many conflicts rage around the world.

While it has been easy to bash Americans over the last few years and to paint everyone with the same brush, it is refreshing to come across those that break the stereotype and allow us to see each citizen as the individual that they truly are. Ms. Mendoza appears to be sincere in here column and seems to be genuine in her offer and desire. As anyone who has watched The Amazing Race knows, we have it VERY cushy over here in North America so I would hope if in her lifetime she truly gets the opportunity to visit Pakistan or anywhere else less fortunate than us, that she soaks in the culture, focuses on the people and grows from the experience.

Should I win the lottery one day, I publicly pledge to pay for the expenses to make this happen. Change happens a little at a time and like a fragile plant, needs to be cared for and nurtured. Let us all be so fortunate to cultivate this type of wonder and openness. Good on you Ms. Mendoza, and best of luck in the Olympics.


NBCOlympics.com - A tale of two worlds

Today's Funny

Friday, August 15, 2008

Hearing it would be believing it.

You never know what you are going to find sometimes when looking for something else.

I was watching FoodTV as the wife slept, since I still cannot eat so much as a potato chip properly without pain, and I went online to find Cafe Glace which was being showcased on Unwrapped. Well, this site supposedly could take me there but the actually link is not working. This site itself though proved to be an interesting find on its own.


DailyCandy - The Latest Fashion Designers, Weekend Events & Products - DailyCandy

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

What a snob/bitch/sorry human being/unfeeling witch/sad sad person.

There are many more descriptions and none of them good to illustrate just what I, and probably a number of others, think about this woman. In a nutshell, this woman has the audacity to show her picture and (STUPIDLY) her house in the paper while complaining that her custom-built house is now on a bus route and her TV (yes, I said TV) is being bothered with the bus passing with people needing to ride transit to the GO station some distance away. Her solution for this dilemna of hers, having paid a $100,000 premium for the lot they are on which has a view of Lake Ontario? Petition to have the bus re-routed. Forget the neighbours she is inconveniencing, forget the carbon footprint she is disturbing. She wants people who live in the area, and can obviously afford to have and drive two cars like she and her husband can, to drive instead of needing the bus to go through the area.

Is this beeyatch for real??!?!?

And the icing on the cake is, in print, she essentially confesses that her and her husband uses their influences with local politicians to get what they want. She brags about being more connected than the average person. She all but simply says she is better and higher than those around her so deserves better treatment.

Hmmmm, she is damn lucky she doesn't live in Toronto, especially Scarborough. Then again, with all the low income immigrants there, I am sure she wouldn't be caught dead with ten kilometres of the area. What do you know? Ajax is outside of that radius; what a coincidence.

The fallout of this ridiculous issue brought to light by this article (and to me by Mossy Stone) is that her and her husband will be branded, fairly or unfairly, as less than desirable people to be around. I hope they have some enlightened friends that can show them just how wrong and STUPID it was to make this public and to provide those quotes. Smart idiots keep these things under wraps. I wonder how this will affect her husband's future dealings as well. Seeing as it is obvious that he brings home the bacon, did she just cut into the family's income as people will not want to do business with their type?

Lady, pick up and move off into the country where either you will find more of your type or will find people who have not heard of your dumb ass as yet. I will NOT condone any violent acts towards you, your property or your family but I will condone that you don't have a moment's peace from this moment on until you apologize and then do something constructive for the neighbours you wronged or you pack up your shit and get out of Dodge. It really is one or the other.



TheStar.com | GTA | Route change request sparks bus war

As seen on The Price is Right.

Everything doesn't have to be serious.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Today's funny

Submitted by our LB

Hillbilly Birth

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think theres another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . .. . .

'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

Monday, August 11, 2008

Bernie Mac - RIP

The funniest comedy is always the stuff talked about that you can relate to. For rednecks, that may be Jeff Foxworthy. For young blacks, that may be Dave Chappelle or Chris Rock. For an older generation, that may be Mel Brooks or the late George Carlin. Now, while all of those people had many crossovers into different areas, few of them really connected with people as Bernie Mac did on his show where he dealt with the trails of holding a family together. Everyone with a family found something in that show to relate to whether you were a big ro small family, no matter what colour or race you were and no matter your standing in society's rat race. You simply got it because he simply spoke the truth.

And don't even think about arguing with me because, "I'll beat you in the head until the white meat shows!"

Mr. McCullough, you will surely be missed and our prayers are with your family in this time of loss.

Do, finally, rest in peace.

Bernie Mac Dead, Bernie Mac Obituary - Today's News: Our Take | TVGuide.com

This article is true, funny but sad at the same time.

Agree or not about the place of porn in the world but once the person becomes a former "star" and moves on with their lives, so should the rest of the world. People forgive the hookers with hearts of goal, the gangsters who now sing rap, the drug dealers who sing rap or do PSAs and all variety of criminals who have done wrong in the past but have turned over a new leaf. Hell, even Paris Hilton is forgiven and her super sad sex tape is forgotten as she continues to get mindlessly paid for being whatever it is she is.

However, do what Paris did on tape for money, many times, and somehow you become less than human and not afforded the same pass of forgiveness that others are freely given. That simply is not fair or right. Ms. Jameson and Mr. Ortiz are trying to do something positive in life and these shallow people choose to focus on the negative in order to make themselves feel better and to sell copy. Geez, who are the ones really with the sad little lives afterall?


Jenna Jameson Is Pregnant - Film.com

The Evil Beet
Celebrity gossip with an evil twist.

Friday, August 08, 2008

I have to censor myself because if I said what I was thinking right now...

If you CHOOSE to not eat meat, I applaud you for having the strength and will to do so. It is a learned behaviour to not do so. I suppose you can also argue that to eat meat is a learned behaviour as taught to us by our parents from when we started chewing solid foods. Regardless, I believe that it has been proven many times over that very few animals on the planet possess the ability to choose; most are driven by instinct. Even those with the power of choice have to bow from time to time to their instinct because it is so strong. Homo Sapien is at the top of the food chain because of our intelligence and our ability to reason and choose our path in life.

Most, not all, food eaten by humans do not possess choice. I would not even enter the religious aspect because it has no place in this discussion. I will simply work with nature's law of the survival of the fittest. Humans, for better or for worse for this poor planet, are the dominant species on this planet. We survive temperature changes, warfare, natural disasters and we keep on coming. Many animals have disappeared because of humans but many have survived and thrived because of humans as well. If another animal wants to take the mantle, go right ahead and do so. However, until that time, we get to decide what happens around here.

And I will tell you, I am MUCH happier that the Colonel decided instead of training his chickens to dance in time to music or to tap out poetry on a computer, he figured out what spices and seasonings work best when they are chopped up, dipped in batter and dropped into a fryer. Maybe it is just my fat ass talking but give me dinner before giving me a pet.

Specifically to PETA's latest disgusting taste in ads, I can only say that it is par for course with them these days. There are simply not enough words or time to express just how pathetic, distasteful, insensitive, ignorant, compassionless, arrogant, crass, hurtful and just plain wrong and spiteful this is and the so-called celebrities that support PETA (Ahem, Ms. Anderson, are you listening?) should PUBLICLY and LOUDLY proclaim how much they are distancing themselves from PETA in this regard. Hmmm, I guess there were enough words and time after all. Shame on you PETA. Shame.


PETA ad compares Greyhound bus attack to slaughtering animals