Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL

Two Italians on a bus - NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!"

NOTE: $5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

Enjoy life now - it has an expiration date!!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL

No Toilet Paper

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom. She said yes.

When he went to wipe his butt there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get
scared away."

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked
him, "What do you have in your hand?"

The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands
he'll get scared away."

The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"

He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did,you scared the shit out of him!"

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL

Manners At The Beach

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself!"

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Today's Funny

Submitted by Cyclebabe

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat
and One says to the other, "I hear that the people
of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and
they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please! ," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige,
wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers

"What part did you get"?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL

Can you relate to this?

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

GO Adventures: An extended post

Normally I FB this missive but I needed more space to properly explain today's level of ignorance. I had plenty of time to make the 7:15AM train this morning so I was in no particular rush as I made my way into the station and down into the tunnel that leads to the train platform.

For convenience, and eventually cash savings, I signed up for the Presto card which allows me to swipe a card (like you do your PayPass credit cards) against a reader and be on my way with the payment deducted from my prepaid amount. A gentleman was at the first device as I approached so I adjusted my speed accordingly as I positioned myself to be next at the reader. I then stopped, swiped my card and turned to leave.

This blond beeyatch to my right, reaches around me to swipe her card. What's the big deal you ask? There are THREE other readers within five feet of each other, none of which are open. She doesn't say excuse me, sorry, nothing; she just walks off. I mutter allowed, "Stupid People!" at which point she spins back towards me with this look of disgust on her face and yells to me, "Seriously??!?!"

I answer her with an equally loud, "Seriously!!!!"

She then has the audacity to say to me, "Well, you don't just stop like that in front of someone!" Uhm, you can not wave the card AT the machine it must actually touch the reader so yes, you basically have to come to a quick halt and then continue on. Anyone that uses the reader knows this.

As still not feeling well and in no mood to have this stupid twit get away this infraction, I make sure everyone in the vicinity heard me clearly when I yelled at her, "YOU ARE A MORON!!!"

I think the looks from everyone was enough for her to think she best just make her way up to the platform. If not for wanting to remain in some semblance of cultured society, I would have uttered the rest of what I was thinking at the time and make her truly have something to think about for the rest of the day.

Locked and loaded people. Bring it on.