Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL

Amish elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again...

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...

"Go get your mother."

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Today's Funnies

Submitted by BT from MTL

Quick thinker -

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

In the back was a large pond that was ideal for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices voices raised in laughter.

A bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked.'

Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

A Love Story For the Season -

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and, go get your flu shot!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Today's Funny (please don't shoot the messenger)

Submitted by BT from MTL

Plane To Toronto

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in Economy class gets up and moves to the first class Section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry." and returns back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her first class isn't going to Toronto".

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL

The IRS vs Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL


My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started....


My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"while we were in bed.

I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then asked, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing at 40 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,

and learned that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,

"The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said,

"I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion,

and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,

and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife,

"who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started....


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first.

"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started....


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replied,

"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL.


A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.Because of the long hours, meals will be provided, and you'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."

"This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job ssignment satisfying her ...'urges' as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, stammers, "You're bullshittin' me!".

The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

Friday, August 20, 2010

Today's Funny (For Trekkies)

Submitted by a cool dude at work. A little dated but still funny (for us Trekkies anyhow).

Top 12 Things A Klingon Programmer Would Say

12. Specifications are for the weak and timid!

11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if
Iam to do battle with this code!

10. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
original Klingon.

9. Indentation?! -- I will show you how to indent when I indent your

8. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software'
releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers
and quality assurance people in its wake.

7. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -- they have
'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.

6. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the

5. I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth
contest. They will not concern us again.

4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!

3. By filing this SPR you have challenged the honor of my family.
Prepare to die!

2. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you

1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software. Ship it!
Ship it, and let them flee like the dogs they are!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

In Memory of Dian Price

There are people on this planet that touch you and you do not know it. There are those that touch you that you wish did not. And there are those that touch you and somehow, profoundly, leave their mark on you forever. Dian Price's legacy will be felt for a long time. I am but a third-party observer in the grand scheme of things but the image is a lasting one. To be genuinely treated and welcomed in as family from first contact is an awesome feeling. Through her son, Dave, I've gained a friend for life that I know without hesitation that I can always count on. Through her grandchildren, especially Jennifer (whom I regard like my own daughter), I am privileged to experience their growth and triumphs in life. Through her husband of 50+ years, I get to experience the strength of love and the bond of family.

These things are immeasurable, intangible, and unimaginably precious. I appreciate having been a part, however brief, of Dian's life and can only work hard, and hope, that when my time comes to pass, I will have as many people looking favourably upon how I touched their lives.

Rest In Peace, Dian. You will be missed but you will never be forgotten.

Today's Funny

Ouch, been a while oh poor neglected blog page.
Submitted by Tom Thumb.

Ever wondered about Guts or Balls...?

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: "You're next, fatty."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Today`s Long Weekend Funny

Submitted by The Finn.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer .

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Sony has finally lost their Vulcan mind!

Sony Zaps PlayStation 3 'Install Other OS' Feature - PCWorld

One commenter on their blog or somewhere said it the best... How the hell do you justify removing a feature that is written ON the box that you sold people??!?! I hope Sony has set aside a nice fund and their international lawyers time and resources because this is going to be a legal battle royale. I will be utterly shocked if several class action suits are not brought against Sony to prevent this foolishness from happening. They will stupidly underestimate that only the uber geeks will care about this feature. What they fail to realize is that everyone with a phat PS3 will be pissed off that they can take away paid for features on a whim without asking.

Imagine other companies doing this to you. You buy that shiny new hybrid from Ford or Toyota and the next morning, the lithium batteries are missing. You buy that house with the ocean-view and wake up to facing a mountainside. You buy a mixed drink and the "mix" is absent. You get the picture. I could go on and on but the simple fact is that you would not tolerate any of those scenarios so none of us should tolerate this from Sony. They are the masters at screwing with their customers (remember the rootkit CD fiasco?) and they are the masters are trying to push proprietary crap upon the public against established standards (take your pick: Betamax, Mini-Disc, Memory Stick, etc.).

I truly hope smarter heads prevail but the history of the Sony Corporation is that they will dig their heals in like petulant children to try and get their way. What they will end of doing is seeing a mass sale of the old PS3s, a sharp reduction in sales of the new PS3s, a general boycott of all things Sony and a MOUNTAIN to climb to get back to respectability (if that is even still possible). Sony, you make some really, REALLY nice (and overpriced) products. Don't f**k your customers and in turn f**k yourselves by doing something this stupid.

Just. DON'T. Do. It.


Monday, March 22, 2010

Today's Funny

Sent in by Skibum from Whitby

Subject: Life explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes
in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll
give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years....
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me
my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Today's Funny

Submitted by LB from OTT.


Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the Husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... Just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
Tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... You don't!'

Monday, March 15, 2010

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL


After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off
his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way
to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Today's Funnies

Submitted by BT from MTL.


I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I
was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a bitch.


Why Women Lie

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.'

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

iPad Killer? Close but no cigar.


The screen is bigger, it has a webcam and microphone, the connections are more, the idea is sound... but the execution falls short.  To have a Net-based OS (i.e. cloud computing) when that vision has failed miserably simply because one can not get access everywhere is a mistake.  To not have built-in applications when your competitor has a fully functional operating system with free apps is short-sighted.  To not have a reasonable base of applications ready for the release date and no applications purchase avenue (i.e. App Store) is suicidal.  I will not be buying an Apple iPad because it lacks many items I want in a tablet (webcam, microphone, infra-red, SDHC slot, mini-HDMI, etc.).  However, if I wanted or needed such a device, I would buy the Apple one well before I bought the JooJoo simply because I can do more out of the box with the Apple unit the moment i turn it on and, I don't need Internet access in order to start doing anything.  Sorry JooJoo, you have a good foundation but you need to get up to snuff and quick or you will be regulated to a footnote as yet another challenger to the Apple throne that failed to dislodge them from their mighty perch.


I bet Steve still watches it on his iPod though.

Hiding your tracks has now been made easier.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL.

The Talking Dog

A guy was driving around the back roads of up-state New York when he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '.

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ?

'Do You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the Australian Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'

'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down'.

'I retired from the Corps (eight dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is totally amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's such a liar... He never did any of that crap. ..'

Friday, February 12, 2010

If your Windows 7 installation is, er, questionable, you need this link.

OK, so you've been "test driving" WIndows 7. For a while now. Since it was released to retail. Permanently.

Well, you knew the boys at Redmond were not going to stand for that much longer. So, be prepared for the start of the war between M$ and everyone else as the son of Genuine Activation, now known as WAT, comes rolling through to check things out. They say it will be "optionally" but we will see how long that lasts.

Personally, this is the first Windows since WFW 3.11 and WIndows 98SE that I am willing to pay for. The choice is yours though so be forearmed as you are now forewarned.


Friday, January 29, 2010

Another Today's Funny - XXX (it's too cold to have just one)

The Old Golfer

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into
the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging
over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00




HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old
golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides
down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady,"
he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes
with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am.".....
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,

"Well, wash your hands real fucking good, because I want a cheeseburger."

Today's Funny

Once again, submitted by BT from MTL. Thanks! Very funny one.

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL.

A Calgary senior citizen drove his brand new red Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 130 km/h, enjoying the wind blowing through what
little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the Trans-Canada towards Banff, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Royal Canadian Mounted Police patrol car behind him,
blue and red lights flashing. He floored it to 160 Km/h, then 180, then 200.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the RCMP's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Officer walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding
that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer.
I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Officer.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL. Yes, SHE is going to hell. :-)

The absolute best Little Johnnie joke

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'

The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.