Friday, January 29, 2010

Another Today's Funny - XXX (it's too cold to have just one)

The Old Golfer

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into
the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging
over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00




HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old
golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides
down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady,"
he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes
with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am.".....
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,

"Well, wash your hands real fucking good, because I want a cheeseburger."

Today's Funny

Once again, submitted by BT from MTL. Thanks! Very funny one.

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL.

A Calgary senior citizen drove his brand new red Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 130 km/h, enjoying the wind blowing through what
little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the Trans-Canada towards Banff, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Royal Canadian Mounted Police patrol car behind him,
blue and red lights flashing. He floored it to 160 Km/h, then 180, then 200.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the RCMP's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Officer walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding
that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer.
I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Officer.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL. Yes, SHE is going to hell. :-)

The absolute best Little Johnnie joke

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'

The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.