Submitted by DW
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Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness!
And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant?
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.
Can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but she still won't go up to your apartment.
Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies ... but I don't recommend the cookies!
While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What's that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
The Wife Came Home Early
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children?
I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'
And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please .. do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
------------------------
The Wife Came Home Early
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children?
I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'
And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please .. do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Today's Funny
Jessie and Bessie went into a diner and ordered two glasses of water. Then they each unwrapped a tuna sandwich and started to eat. The waitress told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” So they shrugged their shoulders and exchanged sandwiches.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Monday, June 08, 2009
Today's Funny
Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
Ever wonder how a fight gets started? ......read these.....
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************
My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
***********************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's how the fight started.....
****** ******************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
" No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
***********************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started.....
**************************************************************
------------------------
Ever wonder how a fight gets started? ......read these.....
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************
My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
***********************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's how the fight started.....
****** ******************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
" No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
***********************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started.....
**************************************************************
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Homer's Colonoscopy
One can always count on the Simpson's for having covered a topic of conversation.
Family Guy - Prostate Exam
A bit short in terms of what I'll be experiencing but mainly a super funny episode.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Today's Funny
Submitted by DoubleD
--------------------
Pig Noises
----------
A 1st grade teacher in a Detroit , Michigan elementary school asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.
Little Winston stood up, and said, "Up against the wall, motherfucker!"
--------------------
Pig Noises
----------
A 1st grade teacher in a Detroit , Michigan elementary school asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.
Little Winston stood up, and said, "Up against the wall, motherfucker!"
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