Facebook has all but killed my blog.

I think it is because it feels redundant to post things here as well as in Facebook.  Though, in my blog, where people have to choose to see what I post, I can pretty much say whatever the ass I feel like saying.  Don't like it?  Don't read my blog.  With FB though, I invited people to view my posts so there is a certain amount of self-censorship.  I still post a whole lot of shit disturbing comments and posts but not nearly as over the edge as I would here.  I guess that answers the question as to why I do not close the blog down.  Something inside me knows I need that unfiltered, uncensored outlet still.

2014 may bring back a return to regular blogging.  If I can podcast and post the link here then I may start a whole new chapter in my online life.  Stay tuned.

I need to change my look, obviously.

OK, seriously.  What about my cold, uncaring, off-putting demeanor screams to people, "Yes, I want nothing more than to engage in conversation with you about things I care less about"?  it happens all the time but especially at work.  I even go out of my way to not feign interest of any kind and to provide a blank stare of "are you done yet?"  It should be obvious to any casual observer that I just want to be left alone to do what I am doing but nope; they persist on in including me in whatever trivial nonsense they think I may want to be included on.  Honestly, don't include me.  I won't hate you less than I do now.  Just let me do my time and go.

Could this be the best phone in the world one day?

http://thndr.it/14IFdTv

Spicy Bacon Wrapped Scallops | Market | Maple Leaf Foods

Spicy Bacon Wrapped Scallops | Market | Maple Leaf Foods

Today's Funny

Submitted by DW
-----------------------

Psychology vs Law
------------------------

A guy asked a girl in a library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?

The guy responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears; "I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”

Today's Funny

Brought to you by BT from MTL
----------------------------------

 The wife was screaming:   "Leave!  Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" -

So he  turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
-------------------------

Slip Out Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL (so don't shoot the messenger my Newfie friends).

-------------------------------------


YOUR MORNING SMILE

Two Newfies shopping.

Tom and Mick were walking along a street in Toronto.

Mick looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $6.50 per pair."

Mick said to his buddy, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to St, John's could make a fortune.

Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thickos from Newfoundland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best accent."

"Right y'are Mick, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business," said Tom.

They go in and Mick said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at $10.00 each, 100 shirts at $4.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $6.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Newfoundland, aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Mick. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
----------------------------------------

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 

---

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

A Handy Man

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ENERGY AUSTRALIA WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO." FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO." FINE, SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK!"

"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T TO WANT TO FIX STEPS", HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!"

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"

SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO! DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart


A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"






















Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

Today's Funnies (Groans?)

Submitted by Marsha Marsha Marsha
----------------------------------
A collection of puns

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, “I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don't you know who I am?
I am the king!”

Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire ... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, “Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!”

The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient.”

4. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- “He who has a Tate's is lost!”

5. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”

6. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

7. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

8. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas.”

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL.
---------------------------




Tablets


My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

First Funnies of the Year

Submitted by the Mad English
----------------------------

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'.

I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?'

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak!!!

Today's Funnies

Brought to you by BT from MTL.
------------------------------

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

-------------------

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

Today's Funny

Submitted by Roxanne Roxanne
----------------------------

Nothing like Nature: Joke of the day....


Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25 years they had spent together. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well-known 'happy going marriage'.

Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?'

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We went to Mexico for our honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.

Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, 'This is your first time'. She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. She again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!

I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?'

She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: 'This is your first time!!!'

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------


Subject: Indian Cab Driver

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a location in Palm Springs Ca.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------


The New Dentures

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...


Don't shoot the messenger

Today's Funny

Submitted by Tom Thumb
----------------------

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you must not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger, but sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay attention."

Today's Funny (xxx)

Submitted by BT from MTL
-----------------------------

DO YOU HAVE A VAGINA?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina'?

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it.'

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question, 'Do you have vagina'?

'Yes' she says.

The man replies, 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'