Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
-------------------------

Two Italians on a bus - NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!"


NOTE: $5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

Enjoy life now - it has an expiration date!!

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

No Toilet Paper

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom. She said yes.

When he went to wipe his butt there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get
scared away."

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked
him, "What do you have in your hand?"

The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands
he'll get scared away."

The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"

He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did,you scared the shit out of him!"

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

Manners At The Beach

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself!"

Today's Funny

Submitted by Cyclebabe
----------------------

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat
and One says to the other, "I hear that the people
of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and
they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please! ," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige,
wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers
cautiously.

"What part did you get"?

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

Can you relate to this?



A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

GO Adventures: An extended post

Normally I FB this missive but I needed more space to properly explain today's level of ignorance. I had plenty of time to make the 7:15AM train this morning so I was in no particular rush as I made my way into the station and down into the tunnel that leads to the train platform.

For convenience, and eventually cash savings, I signed up for the Presto card which allows me to swipe a card (like you do your PayPass credit cards) against a reader and be on my way with the payment deducted from my prepaid amount. A gentleman was at the first device as I approached so I adjusted my speed accordingly as I positioned myself to be next at the reader. I then stopped, swiped my card and turned to leave.

This blond beeyatch to my right, reaches around me to swipe her card. What's the big deal you ask? There are THREE other readers within five feet of each other, none of which are open. She doesn't say excuse me, sorry, nothing; she just walks off. I mutter allowed, "Stupid People!" at which point she spins back towards me with this look of disgust on her face and yells to me, "Seriously??!?!"

I answer her with an equally loud, "Seriously!!!!"

She then has the audacity to say to me, "Well, you don't just stop like that in front of someone!" Uhm, you can not wave the card AT the machine it must actually touch the reader so yes, you basically have to come to a quick halt and then continue on. Anyone that uses the reader knows this.

As still not feeling well and in no mood to have this stupid twit get away this infraction, I make sure everyone in the vicinity heard me clearly when I yelled at her, "YOU ARE A MORON!!!"

I think the looks from everyone was enough for her to think she best just make her way up to the platform. If not for wanting to remain in some semblance of cultured society, I would have uttered the rest of what I was thinking at the time and make her truly have something to think about for the rest of the day.

Locked and loaded people. Bring it on.

No more promises

I know I have been a very bad blogger, and I apologize to the few of you left you give a crap about whether I write anything new or not. It's not for lack of wanting to continue is more times than not being overwhelmed with what I want to say, then having to censor myself because I need to think of my job or my family or other issues. Freedom of Speech is not what it used to be and in today's climate, the wrong words can literally get you killed.

In any case, I will be once again attempting to regularly blog as I routinely run out of room on Facebook and Twitter for the venom I want to spew. Stay tuned. :)

Moi

Today's (very) Funny, with a dose of truth/usefulness

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
Greek Philosophy --- As pertinent today as 399 BC !!

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife!

Today's Funny

As almost always, submitted by BT from MTL.
-------------------------------------------

British humor....



These are classified ads which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard..
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't
have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Today's Funny

Submitted by BTL from MTL
-------------------------

FIRST TIME SEX





A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to

meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is

such a big event,the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.





The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first

time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an

hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about

condoms and sex.





At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time

and all.





That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so

excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.





A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no

movement from the boy.





Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,

'I had no idea you were this religious.'





The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea

your father was a pharmacist.'

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

Amish elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again...

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...

"Go get your mother."

Today's Funnies

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

Quick thinker -

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

In the back was a large pond that was ideal for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices voices raised in laughter.

A bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked.'

Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.
-----------------------------------

A Love Story For the Season -

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and, go get your flu shot!

Today's Funny (please don't shoot the messenger)

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

Plane To Toronto

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in Economy class gets up and moves to the first class Section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry." and returns back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her first class isn't going to Toronto".

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

The IRS vs Grandpa


The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED ! ! !



My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."



And then the fight started....



******************************************



My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"while we were in bed.

I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"



"No," she answered.



I then asked, "Is that your final answer?"



She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."



So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."



And then the fight started....



******************************************



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing at 40 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,

and learned that the weather would be bad all day.



I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,

"The weather out there is terrible."



My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"



And that's how the fight started....



*****************************************



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said,

"I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."



I bought her a bathroom scale.



And then the fight started....



******************************************



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion,

and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"



"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,

and I hear she hasn't been sober since."



"My God!" says my wife,

"who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"



And then the fight started....

******************************************



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first.

"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."



He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"



"Nah, she can order for herself."



And then the fight started....

******************************************



A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replied,

"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL.
-------------------------

WELFARE

A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.Because of the long hours, meals will be provided, and you'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."

"This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job ssignment satisfying her ...'urges' as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, stammers, "You're bullshittin' me!".

The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

Today's Funny (For Trekkies)

Submitted by a cool dude at work. A little dated but still funny (for us Trekkies anyhow).
--------------------------------------------

Top 12 Things A Klingon Programmer Would Say

12. Specifications are for the weak and timid!

11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if
Iam to do battle with this code!

10. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
original Klingon.

9. Indentation?! -- I will show you how to indent when I indent your
skull!

8. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software'
releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers
and quality assurance people in its wake.

7. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -- they have
'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.

6. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the
weak.

5. I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth
contest. They will not concern us again.

4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!

3. By filing this SPR you have challenged the honor of my family.
Prepare to die!

2. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you
stand!

1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software. Ship it!
Ship it, and let them flee like the dogs they are!

In Memory of Dian Price

There are people on this planet that touch you and you do not know it. There are those that touch you that you wish did not. And there are those that touch you and somehow, profoundly, leave their mark on you forever. Dian Price's legacy will be felt for a long time. I am but a third-party observer in the grand scheme of things but the image is a lasting one. To be genuinely treated and welcomed in as family from first contact is an awesome feeling. Through her son, Dave, I've gained a friend for life that I know without hesitation that I can always count on. Through her grandchildren, especially Jennifer (whom I regard like my own daughter), I am privileged to experience their growth and triumphs in life. Through her husband of 50+ years, I get to experience the strength of love and the bond of family.

These things are immeasurable, intangible, and unimaginably precious. I appreciate having been a part, however brief, of Dian's life and can only work hard, and hope, that when my time comes to pass, I will have as many people looking favourably upon how I touched their lives.

Rest In Peace, Dian. You will be missed but you will never be forgotten.

Today's Funny

Ouch, been a while oh poor neglected blog page.
Submitted by Tom Thumb.
------------------------------------------------

Ever wondered about Guts or Balls...?

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: "You're next, fatty."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Today`s Long Weekend Funny

Submitted by The Finn.
----------------------

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer .

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.