Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL (so don't shoot the messenger my Newfie friends).

-------------------------------------


YOUR MORNING SMILE

Two Newfies shopping.

Tom and Mick were walking along a street in Toronto.

Mick looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $6.50 per pair."

Mick said to his buddy, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to St, John's could make a fortune.

Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thickos from Newfoundland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best accent."

"Right y'are Mick, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business," said Tom.

They go in and Mick said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at $10.00 each, 100 shirts at $4.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $6.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Newfoundland, aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Mick. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
----------------------------------------

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 

---

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

A Handy Man

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ENERGY AUSTRALIA WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO." FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO." FINE, SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK!"

"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T TO WANT TO FIX STEPS", HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!"

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"

SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO! DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart


A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"






















Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

Today's Funnies (Groans?)

Submitted by Marsha Marsha Marsha
----------------------------------
A collection of puns

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, “I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don't you know who I am?
I am the king!”

Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire ... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, “Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!”

The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient.”

4. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- “He who has a Tate's is lost!”

5. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”

6. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

7. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

8. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas.”

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL.
---------------------------




Tablets


My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

First Funnies of the Year

Submitted by the Mad English
----------------------------

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'.

I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?'

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak!!!

Today's Funnies

Brought to you by BT from MTL.
------------------------------

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

-------------------

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

Today's Funny

Submitted by Roxanne Roxanne
----------------------------

Nothing like Nature: Joke of the day....


Once upon a time, a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in the 25 years they had spent together. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well-known 'happy going marriage'.

Editor: 'Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?'

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 'We went to Mexico for our honeymoon. Having selected horse riding as the first activity, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.

Getting up from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said, 'This is your first time'. She climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. She again kept calm and said 'This is your second time' and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!

I shouted at my wife: 'What did you do, you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?'

She gave me a silent look, smiled and said: 'This is your first time!!!'

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------


Subject: Indian Cab Driver

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a location in Palm Springs Ca.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------


The New Dentures

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...


Don't shoot the messenger

Today's Funny

Submitted by Tom Thumb
----------------------

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you must not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger, but sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay attention."

Today's Funny (xxx)

Submitted by BT from MTL
-----------------------------

DO YOU HAVE A VAGINA?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina'?

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it.'

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question, 'Do you have vagina'?

'Yes' she says.

The man replies, 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

Try Your Luck

TBD

Whatever title you read above was written after I started writing the post. I drew a complete blank as to what title properly conveys all my thoughts and right now I've got nothing. There is simply too much floating around this old nogging from the recent events.

On Saturday July 9th 2011 at6:49PM, my father quietly passed away at Sunnybrook hospital. He was surrounded by me and my three siblings, our mother, family and friends. He was 73 years old, had battled a number of health issues over the years, but had lived a full life which was unfortunately cut short by a freak accident and post-op complications.

Hard to think. Pausing this blog post.

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
-------------------------

Two Italians on a bus - NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!"


NOTE: $5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

Enjoy life now - it has an expiration date!!

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

No Toilet Paper

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom. She said yes.

When he went to wipe his butt there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get
scared away."

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked
him, "What do you have in your hand?"

The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands
he'll get scared away."

The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"

He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did,you scared the shit out of him!"

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

Manners At The Beach

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself!"

Today's Funny

Submitted by Cyclebabe
----------------------

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat
and One says to the other, "I hear that the people
of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and
they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please! ," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige,
wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers
cautiously.

"What part did you get"?

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

Can you relate to this?



A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

GO Adventures: An extended post

Normally I FB this missive but I needed more space to properly explain today's level of ignorance. I had plenty of time to make the 7:15AM train this morning so I was in no particular rush as I made my way into the station and down into the tunnel that leads to the train platform.

For convenience, and eventually cash savings, I signed up for the Presto card which allows me to swipe a card (like you do your PayPass credit cards) against a reader and be on my way with the payment deducted from my prepaid amount. A gentleman was at the first device as I approached so I adjusted my speed accordingly as I positioned myself to be next at the reader. I then stopped, swiped my card and turned to leave.

This blond beeyatch to my right, reaches around me to swipe her card. What's the big deal you ask? There are THREE other readers within five feet of each other, none of which are open. She doesn't say excuse me, sorry, nothing; she just walks off. I mutter allowed, "Stupid People!" at which point she spins back towards me with this look of disgust on her face and yells to me, "Seriously??!?!"

I answer her with an equally loud, "Seriously!!!!"

She then has the audacity to say to me, "Well, you don't just stop like that in front of someone!" Uhm, you can not wave the card AT the machine it must actually touch the reader so yes, you basically have to come to a quick halt and then continue on. Anyone that uses the reader knows this.

As still not feeling well and in no mood to have this stupid twit get away this infraction, I make sure everyone in the vicinity heard me clearly when I yelled at her, "YOU ARE A MORON!!!"

I think the looks from everyone was enough for her to think she best just make her way up to the platform. If not for wanting to remain in some semblance of cultured society, I would have uttered the rest of what I was thinking at the time and make her truly have something to think about for the rest of the day.

Locked and loaded people. Bring it on.

No more promises

I know I have been a very bad blogger, and I apologize to the few of you left you give a crap about whether I write anything new or not. It's not for lack of wanting to continue is more times than not being overwhelmed with what I want to say, then having to censor myself because I need to think of my job or my family or other issues. Freedom of Speech is not what it used to be and in today's climate, the wrong words can literally get you killed.

In any case, I will be once again attempting to regularly blog as I routinely run out of room on Facebook and Twitter for the venom I want to spew. Stay tuned. :)

Moi

Today's (very) Funny, with a dose of truth/usefulness

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------
Greek Philosophy --- As pertinent today as 399 BC !!

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife!

Today's Funny

As almost always, submitted by BT from MTL.
-------------------------------------------

British humor....



These are classified ads which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard..
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't
have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Today's Funny

Submitted by BTL from MTL
-------------------------

FIRST TIME SEX





A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to

meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is

such a big event,the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.





The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first

time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an

hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about

condoms and sex.





At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time

and all.





That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so

excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.





A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no

movement from the boy.





Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,

'I had no idea you were this religious.'





The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea

your father was a pharmacist.'

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

Amish elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again...

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...

"Go get your mother."

Today's Funnies

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

Quick thinker -

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

In the back was a large pond that was ideal for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices voices raised in laughter.

A bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked.'

Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.
-----------------------------------

A Love Story For the Season -

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and, go get your flu shot!

Today's Funny (please don't shoot the messenger)

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

Plane To Toronto

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in Economy class gets up and moves to the first class Section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry." and returns back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her first class isn't going to Toronto".

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

The IRS vs Grandpa


The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED ! ! !



My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."



And then the fight started....



******************************************



My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"while we were in bed.

I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"



"No," she answered.



I then asked, "Is that your final answer?"



She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."



So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."



And then the fight started....



******************************************



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing at 40 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,

and learned that the weather would be bad all day.



I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,

"The weather out there is terrible."



My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"



And that's how the fight started....



*****************************************



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said,

"I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."



I bought her a bathroom scale.



And then the fight started....



******************************************



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion,

and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"



"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,

and I hear she hasn't been sober since."



"My God!" says my wife,

"who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"



And then the fight started....

******************************************



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first.

"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."



He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"



"Nah, she can order for herself."



And then the fight started....

******************************************



A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replied,

"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL.
-------------------------

WELFARE

A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.Because of the long hours, meals will be provided, and you'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips."

"This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job ssignment satisfying her ...'urges' as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, stammers, "You're bullshittin' me!".

The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

Today's Funny (For Trekkies)

Submitted by a cool dude at work. A little dated but still funny (for us Trekkies anyhow).
--------------------------------------------

Top 12 Things A Klingon Programmer Would Say

12. Specifications are for the weak and timid!

11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if
Iam to do battle with this code!

10. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
original Klingon.

9. Indentation?! -- I will show you how to indent when I indent your
skull!

8. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software'
releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers
and quality assurance people in its wake.

7. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -- they have
'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.

6. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the
weak.

5. I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth
contest. They will not concern us again.

4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!

3. By filing this SPR you have challenged the honor of my family.
Prepare to die!

2. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you
stand!

1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software. Ship it!
Ship it, and let them flee like the dogs they are!

In Memory of Dian Price

There are people on this planet that touch you and you do not know it. There are those that touch you that you wish did not. And there are those that touch you and somehow, profoundly, leave their mark on you forever. Dian Price's legacy will be felt for a long time. I am but a third-party observer in the grand scheme of things but the image is a lasting one. To be genuinely treated and welcomed in as family from first contact is an awesome feeling. Through her son, Dave, I've gained a friend for life that I know without hesitation that I can always count on. Through her grandchildren, especially Jennifer (whom I regard like my own daughter), I am privileged to experience their growth and triumphs in life. Through her husband of 50+ years, I get to experience the strength of love and the bond of family.

These things are immeasurable, intangible, and unimaginably precious. I appreciate having been a part, however brief, of Dian's life and can only work hard, and hope, that when my time comes to pass, I will have as many people looking favourably upon how I touched their lives.

Rest In Peace, Dian. You will be missed but you will never be forgotten.

Today's Funny

Ouch, been a while oh poor neglected blog page.
Submitted by Tom Thumb.
------------------------------------------------

Ever wondered about Guts or Balls...?

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: "You're next, fatty."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Today`s Long Weekend Funny

Submitted by The Finn.
----------------------

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer .

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Sony has finally lost their Vulcan mind!

Sony Zaps PlayStation 3 'Install Other OS' Feature - PCWorld

One commenter on their blog or somewhere said it the best... How the hell do you justify removing a feature that is written ON the box that you sold people??!?! I hope Sony has set aside a nice fund and their international lawyers time and resources because this is going to be a legal battle royale. I will be utterly shocked if several class action suits are not brought against Sony to prevent this foolishness from happening. They will stupidly underestimate that only the uber geeks will care about this feature. What they fail to realize is that everyone with a phat PS3 will be pissed off that they can take away paid for features on a whim without asking.

Imagine other companies doing this to you. You buy that shiny new hybrid from Ford or Toyota and the next morning, the lithium batteries are missing. You buy that house with the ocean-view and wake up to facing a mountainside. You buy a mixed drink and the "mix" is absent. You get the picture. I could go on and on but the simple fact is that you would not tolerate any of those scenarios so none of us should tolerate this from Sony. They are the masters at screwing with their customers (remember the rootkit CD fiasco?) and they are the masters are trying to push proprietary crap upon the public against established standards (take your pick: Betamax, Mini-Disc, Memory Stick, etc.).

I truly hope smarter heads prevail but the history of the Sony Corporation is that they will dig their heals in like petulant children to try and get their way. What they will end of doing is seeing a mass sale of the old PS3s, a sharp reduction in sales of the new PS3s, a general boycott of all things Sony and a MOUNTAIN to climb to get back to respectability (if that is even still possible). Sony, you make some really, REALLY nice (and overpriced) products. Don't f**k your customers and in turn f**k yourselves by doing something this stupid.

Just. DON'T. Do. It.

Peace.

Today's Funny

Sent in by Skibum from Whitby
-----------------------------

Subject: Life explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes
in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll
give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years....
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me
my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.

Today's Funny

Submitted by LB from OTT.
-------------------------

Morris

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the Husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... Just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
Tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... You don't!'

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

TALKING CLOCK

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off
his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way
to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

Today's Funnies

Submitted by BT from MTL.
-------------------------

LADY'S YEARLY EXAM

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I
was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a bitch.

---------------------------------

Why Women Lie

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.'

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Sven Kramer of the Netherlands is a MORON!

Sven Kramer Calls Reporter Stupid from TubularGoldmine - Video

iPad Killer? Close but no cigar.

JooJoo

The screen is bigger, it has a webcam and microphone, the connections are more, the idea is sound... but the execution falls short.  To have a Net-based OS (i.e. cloud computing) when that vision has failed miserably simply because one can not get access everywhere is a mistake.  To not have built-in applications when your competitor has a fully functional operating system with free apps is short-sighted.  To not have a reasonable base of applications ready for the release date and no applications purchase avenue (i.e. App Store) is suicidal.  I will not be buying an Apple iPad because it lacks many items I want in a tablet (webcam, microphone, infra-red, SDHC slot, mini-HDMI, etc.).  However, if I wanted or needed such a device, I would buy the Apple one well before I bought the JooJoo simply because I can do more out of the box with the Apple unit the moment i turn it on and, I don't need Internet access in order to start doing anything.  Sorry JooJoo, you have a good foundation but you need to get up to snuff and quick or you will be regulated to a footnote as yet another challenger to the Apple throne that failed to dislodge them from their mighty perch.

Peace

I bet Steve still watches it on his iPod though.

Why Apple's Porn Purge is a Smart Move - PCWorld

Hiding your tracks has now been made easier.

TigerText: The App for Spies and Cheaters - PCWorld

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL.

The Talking Dog
---------------

A guy was driving around the back roads of up-state New York when he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '.

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ?

'Do You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the Australian Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'

'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down'.

'I retired from the Corps (eight dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is totally amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's such a liar... He never did any of that crap. ..'

If your Windows 7 installation is, er, questionable, you need this link.

OK, so you've been "test driving" WIndows 7. For a while now. Since it was released to retail. Permanently.

Well, you knew the boys at Redmond were not going to stand for that much longer. So, be prepared for the start of the war between M$ and everyone else as the son of Genuine Activation, now known as WAT, comes rolling through to check things out. They say it will be "optionally" but we will see how long that lasts.

Personally, this is the first Windows since WFW 3.11 and WIndows 98SE that I am willing to pay for. The choice is yours though so be forearmed as you are now forewarned.

Peace.

http://arstechnica.com/microsoft/news/2010/02/new-windows-7-antipiracy-update-to-phone-home-regularly.ars

Another Today's Funny - XXX (it's too cold to have just one)

The Old Golfer
--------------

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into
the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging
over the bar:



COLD BEER: $2.00



HAMBURGER: $2.25



CHEESEBURGER: $2.50



CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50



HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old
golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides
down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady,"
he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes
with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am.".....
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,

"Well, wash your hands real fucking good, because I want a cheeseburger."

Today's Funny

Once again, submitted by BT from MTL. Thanks! Very funny one.
--------------------------------------------

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL.
------------------------

A Calgary senior citizen drove his brand new red Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 130 km/h, enjoying the wind blowing through what
little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the Trans-Canada towards Banff, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Royal Canadian Mounted Police patrol car behind him,
blue and red lights flashing. He floored it to 160 Km/h, then 180, then 200.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the RCMP's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Officer walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding
that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer.
I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Officer.

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL. Yes, SHE is going to hell. :-)
--------------------------------------

The absolute best Little Johnnie joke

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'

The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.

A Conversation Between a Priest and a Rabbi.

Submitted by BT from MTL. Yes, I am going to hell.
-------------------------

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

-------------
May happiness smile on your world and in your heart...

Today's Funny

I know, it's been a while but it's been some trying times. Anyhow, here is a joke from BT from MTL. Enjoy.

--------------------------------------

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re Sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this Really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
Bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:

1. A salt shaker,
2. A shot of Baileys,
3. A shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue.
Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth.
And finally you drink the lime juice.'
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth..........smooth, Rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits

2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles

3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like Consistency hits

4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus what do you call that drink?'

She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'

Today's Funny (Note: I want to try this in Walmart)

Submitted by Skibum
-------------------

Husband Banned from Target

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

This may yet JUST begin to address my space issues. :-)

Definitely less expensive than a full-fledged setup the likes of Dell or EMC but still not "cheap" for the home enthusiast as myself.  Seriously though, I have either serious issues or truly rose to a new level if I need to start setting up things like this.  That said, would be damn fun trying it out.

Petabytes on a budget: How to build cheap cloud storage | Backblaze Blog

Brush up on your High Holidays!

As well as many other things.

I may not be Jewish but being married to a person that is means to at least have some understanding and participation in the things and times that are important to her.  Truth be told, there are times I am the better Jew, lol.  Anyhow, it is important to my DW so that makes it important to me.  Important days are coming up in the Jewish Calendar including the New Year and Day of Atonement.  This site provides plain language explanations for all of it.

Enjoy.

Jewish New Year: High Holidays 2009, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and Simchat Torah

When you just HAVE to have it!

Thanks to JN for posting this on FB.  I think the point I want to make is that this guy was playing a harmless game, in a harmless location, harmlessly.  He was stupid if he was talking to other players on the microphone in the middle of the library.  Other than that though, would you rather him hassling you for money on a street corner or worse yet, robbing you or carjacking you?

Get a grip people.

Guy Busted for Stealing WiFi at NYC Library — to Play Halo - Halo - Kotaku

Look who bought a clue!

They said "No".  Sony said that they would NOT lower the price on their gaming console to match Nintendo's Wii and Microsoft's Xbox 360 pricing.  They said they would NOT make adjustments to a system that was grossly overpriced when it debuted and stayed that way as the competitors kicked its ass up and down the gaming charts.  The built-in Blu-ray player made no difference to this status.  People continually chose the other two systems or a standalone system or even the older (much cheaper) PS2 systems over Sony's flagship unit.  This was pointed out to them many times over but they have stubbornly refused to budge.  Over principle or over something else?  Who knows?  Who really cares?

As a consumer, I chose the systems that gave me the best bang for the buck and and the best overall experience (you know what I mean, right?).  I would have bought an original 20Gb or 60GB model to get the backward-compatible Emotion engine so I could ditch our PS2 but I was not paying the ridiculous amount of money to get one when the system was released (and they are very hard to find used at a reasonable price, natch).  Sony lowered the price on their system but removed the Emotion engine; too little too late.

So will the PS3 Slim finally be the unit that puts Sony in the same playing field as the Wii and the 360?  I doubt it.  they are still being stupid about things by no lowering the price of the 80GB and 160GB units currently on sale as they clear them out of inventory.  That's both stubborn and stupid.  Their reasoning?  People will buy the old ones out of nostalgia or because they prefer the shape.  Are you freaking kidding me?

I want a PS3 because I am a bonified geek but I do not NEED a PS3 so I, along with millions of others, can wait until Sony has a fire sale unless they get real with their pricing. Very soon.


Sony officially announces $299 PS3 Slim | Crave - CNET

Why I will probably be buying a Bold (since work is taking back their BB).

Video: The BlackBerry Storm, Bold and Curve 8900 Compared | CrackBerry.com

What's good for the goose is apparently not good for the gander.

Microsoft defends its intellectually properties with a bevy of lawyers; by rights it should.  That has led to either acquisitions by Microsoft of an offending company or partnerships (i.e. Novell) with companies that infringed on those rights.

Well, now they are trying to brush off a lawsuit AGAINST them for the exact same practice.  They can appeal all they want but someone over there better start selling some stocks to pay for the bill of $294 million and counting.

BBC NEWS | Technology | Judge bans Microsoft Word sales

The Scene Kano- I'm Ready

Looked this up because we were discussing what song TagTeam's "Whoomp, There It Is" samples for its backbeat. Amazing what hair, clothes and dancing endure today. Also amazing what things, thankfully, did not survive. Holy crap.

iPhone is serious business

Apple Investigated Foxconn Complaints Before iPhone Suicide Case

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL

Newfie Millionaire
------------------

Mick appeared on the Newfoundland version of 'Who wants To Be A
Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000.

'You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, but, for
1 Million dollars, you've only one lifeline left, phone-a-friend. Everything is
riding on this question. Will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'

'OK. The question is, which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest ?
a)Robin ( b)Sparrow (c)Cuckoo (d)Thrush.

'I hasn't got a clue,' said Mick. 'So I'll use me last lifeline and phone, my friend Paddy
back home in Come-Bye-Chance.' Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances,
and repeated the question to him.

'Fawkin Eh, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's just simple logic....it's a Cuckoo.'

'Are you sure, Paddy?' asked Mick.

'I'm fawkin sure' replied Paddy.

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, 'I'll go with cuckoo, as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked the host.

'Dat it is Sir.'

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won $1,000,000.00!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 'Tell me, Paddy?
How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?
I mean, you knows fawk-all about birds.'

'Fer fawks sake!' laughed Paddy. 'Lord tunderin Jaezuz, everybody knows a fawking cuckoo lives in a clock!'

Some more funnys stuff.

Urban Myth about a lighthouse and a ship | Canada v USA Jokes

Today's Funny

Submitted by Weeb
-----------------

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and talks with the old ranch owner. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer.

'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....on any land. No questions asked. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs....'Your badge! Show him your fucking badge!"

Today's Funny

Submitted by DW
---------------

Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness!
And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant?
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

Can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but she still won't go up to your apartment.

Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies ... but I don't recommend the cookies!

While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What's that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.

Not everyone eager for the release of Windows 7.

Study: 60% of Companies Plan to Skip Windows 7 | Maximum PC

Blast from the Past. An update of the old Scorched Earth computer game. FREE.

Scorched 3D • A 3D Update Of Scorched Earth

It's all about balance. Here are healthy recipes.

Healthy Food Recipes

A recipe for Hunan Smokked Beef Ribs.

Food for Thought - a Foodtv.ca blog - This is How You Like Your Ribs: June's Cooking Club Challenge is Hunan Style

Learn American Sign Language.

Basic ASL, 100 first signs: American Sign Language (ASL)

Today's Funny - submitted by Syrlinus.

Hard Drive weight increasing?

A variation of the Salmon en croute from Gordon Ramsay.

Salmon En Croute Recipe | Food | Channel4.com

DW made this one the weekend. It was deeee-lish!!

Salmon En Croute - Food Network Canada

Got some Altoids you don't need/like?

Altoids Tin Catapult Enforces Your Cubicle Kingdom - office pranks - Lifehacker

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

The Wife Came Home Early

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children?
I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'

And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please .. do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Today's Funny

Jessie and Bessie went into a diner and ordered two glasses of water. Then they each unwrapped a tuna sandwich and started to eat. The waitress told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” So they shrugged their shoulders and exchanged sandwiches.

How bad is your home life to resort to this?

CTV.ca | Teen girls selling sex on Craigslist, police say

Anything that allows more contact is a very good thing.

DailyTech - Breastlight Could Help Find Early Signs of Breast Cancer

Got a PSP? Cannot watch enough TV now? Just wait.

Kotaku - Japanese PSP Slims Getting Digital TV - Only in Japan

Today's Funny

Submitted by BT from MTL
------------------------

Ever wonder how a fight gets started? ......read these.....

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....


************************************************************


My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....


***********************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And that's how the fight started.....

****** ******************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....


************************************************************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

" No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....



***********************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept

staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear

she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started.....

**************************************************************