Friday's Funnies

Submitted by Eddie
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The Blond and the Lord

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU GOD?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

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Submitted by DoubleD
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DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish............................49
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.
Athletic..........................No breasts.
Average looking...................Mooooooo.
Beautiful.........................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist..........................Fat.
Free spirit.......................Junkie.
Friendship first..................Former slut.
New-Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.....................No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing..........................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional......................Bitch.
Voluptuous........................Very Fat.
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate...................Stalker.

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now!
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

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Submitted by BT
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Subject: "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a"

An attractive blonde was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a
nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was
uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the blonde answered.

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles!"

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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!", says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"